Come, Weary Moms!

Self Portrait, Lemon Raspberry Cheesecake and Friday Favorites

2012-01-26T14:43:00.002-05:00

Self Portrait by Virginia Knowles in January 2012

Dear friends,

The theme of the P52 photo project this week is Self-Portrait. The picture above isn't exactly a photo, unless you count that the scanner is a camera of sorts. But it is an original self-portrait, a quick sketch, plain pencil on plain paper, from a photo on my iPod. I had to twiddle with it a bit, because I wasn't measuring for proportions. So I had to move the mouth up and the dimple over, shorten the eyes, try to make the glasses symmetrical, add in more hair. As a final touch, I used my finger to smudge and smooth the shading. I had recently assigned a written comparison of two self-portraits by Reformation artist Albrecht Dürer for my home school co-op English class, so I figured I would give it a decent shot. (See The Art of Albrecht Dürer.) My attempt wasn't perfect, but it was fun.

Self Portrait by Virginia Knowles in 1979
See more of My Artwork

I haven't sketched (other than my constant doodling) in what seems like forever, and I drawn myself since high school art class around 1979, wearing a hat I had bought on a trip to Scotland with Teen Missions that summer.

Drawing a self-portrait forces you to think about how you see yourself and how you want to convey to others who you are. Am I confident? Friendly? Pensive? Enigmatic?

For many of us, self image is tied up in what we do and who our friends are. It could be related to what church we attend, or how many children we have, or how we educate them. That has certainly been true for me. It has taken me a long time to shake that off and realize that while those things certainly affect my life and say something about what I value, they do not define me. And the expectations should not crush me when they no longer apply to where I am in life.

I think that especially rings true this week, since I just enrolled two more children (girls in 1st and 5th grade) in the neighborhood public school where their 3rd grade brother started in November. (Here they are on their first day of public school with our next door neighbor in the middle.) Now I don't have any elementary age kids at home, and the four in public school outnumber the two (boys in middle school and high school) still at home. Since I have written (books, articles in international magazines, my own e-magazine, blogs) and spoken (conferences and support groups) so much about home schooling for the past 14 years, I gained a reputation as a home school guru. I know many of my friends and cyber acquaintances will not understand our choices and even question my sanity and my morality. This will not be the first time. Oh well! My husband and I are the ones responsible for making decisions about what is best for our family at each season of life. Right now this is what we can do with what we have. I think this will prove to be a good move, at least for the rest of this school year. Then we will reevaluate for next year. (See Do It Well, But Keep It Humble.) Anyway, this week has been a flurry of filling out papers, taking kids for medical checkups, picking up immunization records, and buying school uniforms (solid red, navy blue or dark green t-shirts or polo shirts, and khaki or navy bottoms, no denim, no basketball shorts).

With some of my newfound extra time, one of my goals in the next few months is to get the house in order and keep it that way consistently. (No small task with 10 people living here!) This morning I had to rewrite our family chore chart to accommodate the change in schedule. I think I made it a bit more simple to follow. Instead of switching chores every day (for variety), I have assigned chores to be done every day (for simplicity) -- at least for the five younger kids. Let's just see if this helps people remember what to do -- and then do it!

Also, I want to be a little more intentional in the kitchen, focusing on nutrition and variety. I think we're all getting tired of the same old same old! Sometimes we have to mix it up a bit, taking inspiration wherever we find it: friends, restaurants, blogs, on-line recipe sites... This week I tried baked chicken thighs covered with bread crumbs seasoned with rotisserie chicken seasoning and garlic pepper.

Last Saturday, our church organized several Dinner with Friends parties. Once you sign up, you are assigned to a group of eight. The point is to get to know other folks whom you might not know as well. My husband and I had met everyone before, but had only had regular interactions with the host couple. We had a great time chatting, especially when we pulled out some conversation starter questions that the dinner organizers had provided to each group. Oh the stories these peeps can tell!

Our hosts Cathy and Bill,
business people who lived in the Virgin Islands for a long time
and who have a real heart for serving the poor
(see her collection bear for the hungry here)

Mike and Vicki,
seminary professor and Christian school teacher

Candice and Ed,
on staff for nearly three decades with Campus Crusade (now known as CRU),
most of it in Poland and England

Each couple contributed to the meal. One made delicious beef stroganoff (I'm going to try this out and blog about it later), another brought a lovely gourmet salad (complete with hearts of palm), and another brought grapes, cheese & crackers, and scrumptious hot roll appetizers with cheese, ham and onions baked in. I am making myself hungry just typing this. We brought the dessert: lemon raspberry cheesecake and blueberry cheesecake. Yes, I could have made it all from scratch with fresh cream cheese to prove myself as a capable homemaker, since I haven't yet attained the status of Kitchen Guru. Instead, I chose to go semi-homemade, starting with a boxed mix. I'd enjoyed some lemon raspberry cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory (thanks to a gift card from my sister-in-law) and decided to try to replicate it. I mixed a little lemon juice with enough powdered sugar to sweeten it, then added three tablespoons to the cheesecake mix that my daughter Naomi prepared. Since this would increase the amount of liquid, we substituted a can of evaporated milk for some of the regular milk to make it thicker. I'm not sure that helped any since it was still a bit softer than I would have liked. In hindsight, I realized I could have just reduced the amount of milk. All told, I made two lemon cheescakes and two plain cheescakes, leaving one of each at home for the kids. At serving time, we set out a tub of whipped topping, a bowl of blueberry pie filling, and a bowl of raspberry sauce (a bag of frozen berries, thawed and smushed to a thick sauce with a little sugar added). Everyone enjoyed it, so score one for the Kitchen Wannabee!

I am thankful for the Dinner with Friends. Good fellowship, good fun, good food! Have you ever done anything like this? Why not try it?

I haven't written any other blog posts this week, but here are three links and short excerpts for Friday Favorites. You won't mind that I'm posting these on a Thursday, will you? Just a little early!

Riverside Thoughts

by Sarah Clarkson at Thoroughly Alive

"I have always known that beauty had the power to drive me to holiness. For me, the ache for what is transcendent, the hunger spurred in me by art, literature, music, nature, has always been a guide that turned me back from distraction, from hurry, even from sin, to the grace of my ever-present God."

(Sarah's post reminds me of a quote from one of my own posts here: A Sacred Romance in the Deeper Places of Our Hearts. Sarah is cur at Oxford University in England for a special program. It is interesting to find that my new friend Candice knows Sarah's mom Sally since they both worked for CCC in Poland a long time ago, though at different times -- small world!)

Last Week I Was Wide-Eyed Innocence
by Tonia at www.studyinbrown.com

Some addictions sneak up on you sly. Last week I was wide-eyed innocence: I don't spend that much time on the computer. I barely read blogs. I hardly ever post on facebook. I've been doing this for 7 years, I'm an old hat at this. Second day of changing the tally marks, bowing my head before a prayer bench and not a screen, I feel the itch. 10 AM and I'm jumpy, wondering who emailed, wondering what they said. I fidget and pass the darkened computer once, twice, three times. I snap the lid shut and carry it to my room, close the door. At least I have the presence of mind to roll my eyes at myself...

I smile broad when the answer comes, because it's so simple, so exactly, perfectly simple. Ora et labora: the motto of the Benedictines. Pray and work. Pray and work. Pray and work. And that's exactly what I do.

Purity balls, Christian princess syndrome, and “mom” haircuts: evangelicalism’s mixed messages for women

by Karen Campbell at www.ThatMom.com

"We woke up one day last week to the first snowfall of the season, gentle white flakes touching down, slowly covering the muddy front lawn. It continued all day, the wind picking up, forming small drifts here and there. I was happy for the snow as it made it a little more bearable to take down my Christmas tree and tuck away the family traditions along with it for another year. White and pristine was my world, reminding me of the Lord’s promise that He will make our scarlet sins as white as snow. He is the great Purifier, the Cleanser of my Soul. Such a comfort that is to me! I have been thinking so much about the concept of purity in the past couple weeks, first as I have enjoyed the sweet innocence of a house full of little ones. They look at everything in wonder, their bright little eyes reflect their own worlds, yet untouched by those things that threaten to darken all of us. How do we protect our precious girls from those things? How do we protect our dear boys, our sons and grandsons? But more accurately, how do each of us, men, women, boys and girls, keep our hearts and minds pure in a world that ignores and even devalues the concept of purity? And how do we do this when modern evangelicalism tells us that it has to do primarily with sexuality and then spends so much time talking about it? ... I believe this is truly at the core of the current discussion on sexuality in evangelicalism: in seeking to promote sexual purity, whether through endless discussions of modesty in dress or in defining their roles ad nauseum, women and girls are, in fact, sexualized and, in the process, demeaned. Under the guise of “purity” the messages are mixed and confusing. In reality, true moral purity comes from a life focused on Jesus Christ and serving others. Why don’t we hear this? Probably because it isn’t sexy enough."

You may also wish to read a related post from last summer:
On Mommy Blogging: Image, Identity, Authenticity and Freedom

You can find more food ideas here: Recipe Box

This blog post is linked to memes on other blogs:

Click here to see Ann Kroeker's Food on Fridays

Click here to see Project 52!

I'd love to see your comments! Please leave one!

Virginia Knowles
www.ComeWearyMoms.blogspot.com

I Dreamed a Dream (P52), Breakfast Tray and Friday Favorites

2012-01-20T10:53:00.002-05:00

"I Dreamed a Dream" is the theme this week at the P52 project and this is my photo submission. Why? Because when I dream at night, the misty fragments of thought whirl around in my sleeping brain, and then during the day, they peek out at odd moments and make me wonder. What was it that I dreamed last night -- and why? What is real and what is a figment of my subconscious imagination? It is very disconcerting and makes me wistful. Am I missing out on something vital? Some key to unlock life's mysteries? I'm not one for placing a huge amount of significance in them, but I do know that the fragments of my night dreams are somehow pieced together from the fragments of my daytime realities and conversations, mixed with a touch of fantasy from my secret hopes and fears. Like these clouds, my dreams can be both fluid and disconnected, floating around, drifting on. I do love clouds (one of the most visible reminders of the reality of God for me) and I frequently photograph them, as you can see here:

Is My Head in the Clouds? (And Notes on Beauty)
Weekend Gratitude: Lake Sybelia at Sunset, Lake Lily at Dusk
More Weekend Gratitude, This Time in Pictures with a Recipe for Bread Pudding
A Potpourri of Beauty
Now here's a daytime reality that I like to see in the morning! My daughter Naomi, who is almost 11, made a beautiful breakfast for me the other day. The best part: those scrambled eggs (seasoned with rotisserie chicken seasoning and garlic pepper) and buttered toast hiding behind the dish of fruit salad left over from the previous night's dinner. Add in a stack of chocolate chip pancakes (from Aldi) drizzled with syrup, a peeled clementine, a tall glass of milk, a thoughtfully organized tray, the gorgeous smile from a loving daughter -- and I was one satisfied mama that morning!

My other blog posts this week:
Organizing and Laundering Your Linens (one of my daily realities)
B usy, Dizzy and In a Tizzy: Christian Contemplation for Moms and Other Frazzled Folks (revised and reposted)
Books I'm Reading in 2012 -- A Small Start Anyway!
High School Literature
Favorite posts on other blogs this week:

"Quiet Times for Desperate Mothers" by Arabah Joy
"You’ve been there… you get up early to have quiet time, get your coffee ready, sit down and open your bible, savor the quiet for just a moment, and… the door opens and your child comes stumbling out, ready to start her day! This scenario happens to me…a lot. It’s not that I don’t want to have a good quiet time. It’s not that I fail to plan for one. It’s simply that early risers and all nighters and high octane preschoolers all mean one thing: no solitary potty breaks, much less ten minutes of quiet."
"Thoughts on Tangled" at Recovering Grace
"My wife and I watched the movie Tangled last night. For months now, we’d heard from other former ATI students that the movie was a great analogy for spiritual abuse and the journey out of a legalistic system of thought. It’s even been referenced a number of times here on Recovering Grace."

"The Pharisees Are Not Dead" at Deeper Story
"And I catch my heart,
Guilty,
Of wanting to just be right,
To insist so hard
On the message of grace,
That I ignore
The One who gives it."

"The Incredible Sweetness of Being, Part 2" at Godspotting with Sheila
"My word for 2012 is be. One of my goals for this vacation week is to be with my grandsons. Papa Rich has left to drive Ayden home; we're keeping Cadence longer because he'll return to his home in Hawaii in just a few days. He and I are alone in the house. This beetle in my window? It's another chance to be with the child before his parents arrive to take him away, later today... I rummage in the pantry, return with an empty jar. A minute later we've gently swept two ladybugs from the window. We crimp a piece of foil over the mouth of the jar. I jab holes with a toothpick. "When Papa Rich comes home, he'll help you poke holes in the jar's lid."
Other recent posts by Sheila:
The Incredible Sweetness of Being, Part One
I'm Shining You On
My Eavesdropping Eyes

This blog post is linked to memes on other blogs:

Click here to see Ann Kroeker's Food on Fridays

Click here to see Project 52!

Organizing and Laundering Your Linens

2012-01-20T07:52:00.002-05:00

Dear friends,

Laundry is a never ending responsibility in a home with 10 people, but at least taking care of kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom linens is actually pretty easy for me thanks to the techniques I have developed over the years.

Here are some of them:

Linen closet
with labeled shelves

Decide where things will go in your linen closet and then label the shelves. I have spots for (from top to bottom) large towels, wash cloths in a basket and hand towels, folded pillow cases in basket and fitted sheets, flat sheets, and a large bin of table linens. Some people organize bed linens by storing the sheet sets in the matching pillow cases. We don't have enough matching anything to do this. I'd love to have my sheet shelves all prim and tidy, but this is what they usually look like. I keep master bedroom sheets and pillow cases in a dresser drawer so they don't get lost in with the twin bedding.

Wash cloth basket with labeled shelf

Don't fold wash cloths or cleaning rags. Put them in baskets. They are going to come unfolded and fall out of their stacks any way, so why waste your time? The basket keeps them in their place, and makes them easy to grab. What's left to fold? Dish towels and hand towels are easy for little kids to do, but I like to do the larger linens myself. It's actually relaxing. It's nice to have a job that doesn't take much brain power once in a while.

Keep things close to where you need them.

I keep a basket of several bath towels just outside the master bathroom,
and there are wash cloths and hand towels in the drawer right above it

Hot pads go in a bowl on top of the microwave.

A decorative dish towel hangs near the kitchen sink for wiping clean hands.
I store these separately so they don't get used for messy clean up.
You might like to read one of my favorite inspirational essays, My Glorious Dish Towel.

Regular dish towels go in drawer next to kitchen sink.
Sometimes our old ragged hand towels
get recycled in to dish towel use.

I just started putting a basket of a dozen folded dish rags on the ledge over the kitchen sink.
The smaller size makes them easier to handle than a dish towel.
The distinctive color (green to match the kitchen) and pattern reminds everyone to use them
only for washing dishes or wiping counters or table, not cleaning anything yucky.

A basket of white cleaning rags is tucked under a counter near the kitchen.
We use these for a lot of things, especially cruddy stuff
like wiping up the floor and cleaning the bathroom.
We buy these in bulk at Sam's Club.

Have plenty of spots to put dirty linens.

A linen hamper is in the laundry room.

The yellow bucket, just outside the master bathroom, is for dirty linens.
The blue hamper (a wastebasket) is for clothes.
They fit nicely under the counter. A regular hamper is too tall.

There is a bucket for wet linens near kitchen sink
and another one by the laundry room door.

Wash linens every day. They can really get stinky if you don't! Because we have a large family, I usually do a load of wet cleaning rags and a load of bath linens each day. I wash bed linens as needed, which used to be every day when we had frequent bed wetters. I buy huge containers of detergent to save money, but I don't like to lift them every time I do wash, so I save a smaller container and refill it part way. If the load is cruddy, I also add OdoBan to eliminate germs and odors. I only use bleach when something is badly stained.

Use bath towels several times before laundering. If you are clean from the shower, the towels should last a while. They are really bulky and take a lot of room in the washer and dryer, so cutting down on washing these can save a lot of water and electricity. Large, thick towels take even more, so go for smaller, thinner ones if you can, and use a bath robe if you need something around you. If you need to dry off a more sensitive area of the body or want something for your face, use a clean wash cloth or hand towel and then put it in the wash. Encourage your family members to hang their own towels in their closets so you don't have them piled up in the bathroom. I have a hook, but my kids hang them on a hanger or over their closet rod. Another way to cut down on electricity is to hang large towels outside on a clothes line and then bring them in while still slightly damp to fluff and soften them in the dryer.

You really want to read more about doing laundry?

And two others one on general home organization:

I hope this has been helpful to you! Was anything a new idea for you? What are your best tips for laundering linens or anything else? Leave a comment!

Virginia Knowles

www.comewearymoms.blogspot.com

Busy, Dizzy and In a Tizzy: Christian Contemplation for Moms and Other Frazzled Folks

2012-01-19T08:28:00.000-05:00

Busy, Dizzy, and In a Tizzy:

Christian Contemplation for Moms andOther Frazzled Folks

Dear friends,

Are you “busy, dizzy, and in a tizzy”? Is your life whirling so fast that youdon’t have a chance to sit and think, much less nurture your soul? I wouldlike to offer some simple encouragement for tending your heart-life amidst themyriad demands of a busy household.

OK, I know what you are saying: “I don’t have time to sit around and think deepthoughts about God! I’ve got lessons to prepare and grade, diapers to change,peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to make, bathrooms to clean…” I hear you. Ihave ten kids. Granted that some of them are now married, and I still have some helpfulolder children at home, but I remember having five little girls agesseven and under, with a husband working long hours. And we can find time forwhat is really important. It just takes some juggling and adjusting. Youprobably know by now that I’m on a lifelong quest to find the balance betweenbeing and doing. Remembering the story of devoted Mary and busy Martha in Luke 10:38-42,I want to “choose the good portion” while not neglecting my family.

As you read this article, keep in mind that the point is not to do somethingfor the sake of saying we did it but to make a deeper connection with the Godwho made and redeemed us. The goal of this time is to come out more filled withthe Spirit, to see more love, peace and joy in our daily lives as a result. Doyou have more passion for the Kingdom of God? Are your delights and desiresmore in tune with his? If not, are you holding back anything in your heart fromunreserved worship? O come, let us adore him! Here are more than a dozen waysI’ve found to make time for soul nourishment through the spiritual disciplines.

Remind yourself daily of the GoodNews of the cross. We always need to start with this foundation.If you don’t have a living relationship with Jesus Christ (which is not justabout church attendance or mental assent), none of the rest of this will makeany sense at all. I would be delighted to talk with you about this if you haveany questions. We don’t deserve any of the blessings we have, least of all theimmense treasure of fellowship with God. But because of his mercy, we can askhim to forgive our sins! “If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves,and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just toforgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John1:8-9). The Bible promises that those who have trusted in Christ's sacrificefor their salvation can confidently enter the Lord's Throne Room to find graceand mercy.

Be ready to focus quickly on thethings of God during what little time you might have. Learn to layaside “the cares of this world” and concentrate on what the Lord has for you.Yes, there will be a time to bring before him in prayer the issues that concernyou, but your focus should be on his sufficiency, not on your troubles. He isso much bigger than our circumstances! We bring our problems, our confusion,and our weakness into the Throne Room of God. As we draw near to him, we willbring out his strength and wise answers so we will be equipped to deal withthem.

Designate a quiet comfortable spot inyour house. Set up a personal chapel where you can go sit everyfew hours to regroup and refuel spiritually. Mine is an easy chair in mybedroom next to a fully stocked bookcase. I slip in there several times a dayfor at least a few minutes and up to a half hour or so. When my kids werebabies, toddlers, or preschoolers, I might put them down for a nap in the sameroom or rock them on my lap. My "quiet spot" is not completelyquiet – I often have children wander in and out. And this is also not the onlyplace I can have “devotional time” – I think about God throughout the day,whatever I am doing, whether it is washing dishes or stuffing laundry in thedryer. Taping up little cards with Scripture verses around the house can be agreat inspiration, too.

Make a habit of daily Bible study. Keepa Bible handy at your “personal chapel” spot. Use book marks to keep the placesyou are currently studying so you can easily sit down and read a bit withoutfumbling around. Make a plan for what you are going to read so you don’t justflip open and see where you land. For example, if you read a chapter of the NewTestament every morning, you’ll have read the whole thing within severalmonths. You can also finish the Old Testament at the rate of two or threechapters a day, perhaps in the evening. Make a little chart to mark off yourprogress as you go. You can also go to Bible GatewayReading Plans to select a plan for reading a dailyportion in one of many different Bible versions or Bible Gateway Audio Bible tolisten as you are washing the dishes or folding laundry. This web site also hasa really good search function for doing topical studies.

Rather than just quickly reading theverses, take the time to meditate on them. What do they mean? Howcan you apply them at your house? It is good to sit quietly and think, but youcan also meditate on Scripture as you go about the rest of your day, ponderingthese things in your heart. I read from Luke 16-17 thismorning, and jotted down several application phrases onto a card to put in mypocket: “Faithful in little, faithful inmuch. Serve one Master: God! God knows what’s inside your heart. Forgive othersrepeatedly. Don’t expect praise for doing your job. Thank God for what he hasdone in your life. Lose your life to keep it.” Just feeling the crinkle ofthe card in my pocket as I’m sitting or walking reminds me of what I have read,and I do take it out once in a while to remember them. Occasionally, I willeven write a poem based on what I have been meditating on in my times with theLord. You can find these on my web site.

Try to read regularly from good solidChristian books to help you walk out your faith. Several of myfavorite trustworthy authors are Gary Thomas, Andrew Murray,Elisabeth Elliot, Corrie ten Boom, and Amy Carmichael. Donald Whitney’sbook Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life has come highly recommendedas a way to dig in to Scripture study, prayer, meditation, fasting, and otherheart-nurturing practices -- as long as you don't make it legalistic or getoverwhelmed. A good devotional book with short selections can be just right fora busy mom. My daughter found Charles Spurgeon’s Morning by Morning,Oswald Chambers’ My Utmost for His Highest and Thomas a Kempis’ TheImitation of Christ for me at our library’s used bookstore a while back –nicely bound hardbacks for $1.50 a piece! You can find some of these resourceslisted on my Books to FeedYour Spirit page or read (for free) countlessChristian classics on-line at the Christian Classics Ethereal Library. I also installed the Kindle app on my iPod touch and my laptop, anddownload a lot of free and inexpensive Christian books. This is reallygood for the times I am away from home and have a few minutes while I amwaiting for an appointment or for one of my kids to finally get out to the vanso we can leave.

Take time to pray, to ask God to leadyou in your own life, and to intercede for others. It may behelpful to write out a prayer list of various requests for family members, yourpastors, friends, missionaries, current events, etc. You can the list in theback of your Bible or your journal so it is handy. Prayers don’t have to beclever or even original. Christians throughout history have prayed The JesusPrayer: “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.” Thisdoes not have to be a rote formula, as some have made it, but a way toacknowledge our humble dependence on him throughout the day. I often shorten itto “Sweet Jesus have mercy!” I also use prayers from Scripture, such as Colossians1:9-14. ("Forthis reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying foryou and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through allspiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you maylive a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruitin every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthenedwith all power according to his glorious might so that you may have greatendurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who hasqualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom oflight. For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought usinto the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, theforgiveness of sins.") Using Scripture helps me keep the focuson praying according to God’s will, rather than my petty desires. Sometimes Ipray just sitting there quietly, other times while I am on my knees, and othertimes as I’m working around the house. “Pray continually…” He is alwayslistening! Or, as Alfred Lord Tennyson notes, “More things are wrought byprayer than this world dreams of.” Oh, please remember that prayer is notjust talking – it is listening for God’s still small voice speaking into yourheart.

Start a journal and use it! I write my own observations and questions about life, some of my prayers, andplenty of Scripture verses and quotes from whatever books I am reading. Thishas been such a lifeline to me in the past year as I’ve been so acutely awareof my need for God’s mercy. I think of so many Christians through the ages whowhose lives have been enriched by journaling. This may be a short paragraph,but I don’t want to underestimate the importance of this vital spiritualdiscipline.

Be appropriately aware of youremotions, especially as they can indicate your spiritual health. Weare not robots! God made our emotions to help us respond to him and to lifearound us. You don’t have to be ruled by your feelings, but if you are anxiousor irritable or depressed, find the spiritual remedy for that, rather thanignoring or suppressing these sensations. Ask God for wisdom in dealing withyour emotions. It’s not a one shot deal, but continually offering up to himwhat is roiling around in our hearts. “Lord,I’m feeling so overwhelmed… Help me to see you as my strong tower, and pleaseshow me why this situation bothering me so much and what I can practically doabout it.” God is not afraid of our emotions. With him at our side, wedon’t need to be afraid either.

Play and sing worship musicthroughout the day. If you move from room to room a lot or spend alot of time away from your house, load an iPod or inexpensive MP3 player withyour favorite songs or other audio downloads, such as your pastor’s Sundaysermon if your church posts those on-line. Set up specific playlists ofmusic for worship or comfort or challenge. Listening while you do otherthings is a great way to redeem the time. I listen to worship music withheadphones while I work out on at the YMCA. Even if you don’t have musicplaying, you can always sing in your heart.

Establish a regular devotional timewith your children. Read the Bible, sing, and pray with themsometime during the day, which is a fantastic extension of your own time withGod. This will not just be an academic exercise, but an opportunity for youconnect again with your Heavenly Father as you bring your children to him for ablessing. (See Mark 10:13-16.)

Use your daily duties as objectlessons of God’s truth and grace. When you are making dinner, thinkof the feast he is preparing for us in heaven. When you are washing dishes, bethankful for the abundant food you ate off of them, and pray for those who areless fortunate. When you are cleaning up your kids’ muddy toes, think of howJesus washed the feet of his disciples. A yucky toilet, stubborn laundry stain,or dirty diaper can remind us of how he washes our foulest sins away: “white assnow.” This attitude not only inspires our souls with the holy character ofGod, but makes our work meaningful and less irksome. I find that, like BrotherLawrence, I can “practice the presence of God” no matter what I am doing, evenif I am not kneeling in prayer or reading my Bible.

Thinkabout God “in the watches of the night.” At times in my life, I have been a chronic insomniac, usuallywaking for an hour or more in the middle of the night. During these times, Iwould remind myself of the mercies of the Lord, pray for others, and think ofBible verses I had memorized. I also do this as I am falling asleep at night,and sometimes as I lie in bed trying to wake up in the morning. This is also agood practice for mommies who are night nursing their babies, as I did off andon for nearly two decades. “My soulwill be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you withjoyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in thewatches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of yourwings I will sing for joy.” Psalm 63:5-7

Enjoy your Sabbath! Thisis a time when I don’t have to feel guilty about laying aside many of myregular daily duties. I like to use Sunday afternoon as a time for leisurelyreading and contemplation, as well as rest. What a precious gift from God!Summer is also somewhat of a Sabbath (or sabbatical) for home school moms sincewe aren’t so busy with lessons. Use some of this time for refueling your ownheart for the year to come!

I hope these simple suggestions have been helpful to you. I don’t present themas a formula, but as a means to help our hearts be captivated by our AwesomeGod.

I close this post with a poem. You can find more of my thoughts aboutthis by clicking

Invitation toStillness to go to theoriginal blog post...

Invitation to Stillness

Advent Poem 2010

by Virginia Knowles

Quiet your soul to ponder, wonder,

and worship the AmazingOne.

In these still and focusedmoments,

embrace his everlasting love foryou.
Savor his sacrifice: Heaven to Earth,

an infinite journey of grace
When he came to rescue, release, and renew you.

In sacred response, draw near with a whole heart,

a deepening communion.

Be still in his presence, be filled withhis presence
Father, Son, Holy Spirit: God with us.

Day after day, time with him isyour most precious treasure.

Be the fruitful branch abiding in the Vine.

Be the little lamb in the GoodShepherd’s tender care.

Be the beautiful Beloved in the Lover’sembrace.

Ask, and he will surely show you how.

Made with Love: Project 52 Week #2 and Friday Favorites

2012-01-13T07:00:00.000-05:00

Dear friends,

I'm sort of combining two series in one on this blog: Project 52 and Friday Favorites! I can't promise I'll do both each week, but we'll see what happens! I've been doing Friday Favorites off and on for several months, but this is only my second week of Project 52. Last week: Week 1 "Resolution"

This week the theme of the Project 52 photo challenge at www.my3boybarians.com is "Made with Love." It was a no brainer for me to figure out which picture to submit: a beautiful oil pastel drawing by my 17 year old daughter Lydia!

Cardinal by Lydia Knowles (Oil Pastel, January 2012)

Always a story to go with the picture, at least on my blog. Our friend Donovan, who sits next to us at Lake Baldwin Church, wanted to bless our family so she invited us over to a dinner party just before Christmas and gave us presents! She had asked Lydia ahead of time what she should get for the younger kids. For Lydia, an aspiring artist, she selected a variety of art supplies, such as a sketch pad, oil supplies and other creative goodies.

I also gave Donovan a small present, two porcelain bird ornaments in a gift box. When she saw the pictures on the box, Donovan told us how much she likes cardinals. (I have to say they're my favorite bird.) So... Lydia decided she would draw a cardinal for Donovan with the new oil pastels! I am always amazed at her talent. She blows me away.

You can see Donovan was pretty happy about her gift when Lydia gave it to her on Sunday morning at church!

I am thankful for thoughtful friends and thoughtful daughters.

Lydia is good with sculpture, too, like this Sculpey clay garden with corn, pumpkins, lettuce and teeny tiny carrots! The entire garden is only several inches wide. I think the white picket fence thingy originally came with a set of piggy salt and pepper shakers. Amazing!

Sculpey garden by Lydia Knowles

Lydia, hard at work on the little garden

Now that we've had our art and nature appreciation moment, I'd like to share with you a few Friday Favorites links! The first two links are for blogs by local friends whom I especially admire for being so intentional about raising children for Christ.

Does Your Home Feel Organized? by Ginny Jacobson at Making the Most of Every Opportunity "....set a mission and vision with your husband for your family, home, and then evaluate how each room fits that"
Home School Mom 4 Christ Blog a brand new blog by Teresa Bridges
"My goal in home schooling is first and foremost to build godly character in my children, and to teach them to be hard workers.I spend my days teaching them to not to be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of the mind. I teach them to have the mind that was in Christ. The Bible tells us that as a man thinks in his heart so is he."

"There is so much to pray for that I really do pray all day. I am always finding something to pray for. So often we get caught up in the right time to pray and the right thing to say and the right this or that in prayer that we forget that it’s part of our walk with God."

Week 1 "Resolution"

That's enough for this week!

Virginia Knowles
www.ComeWearyMoms.blogspot.com

Join the Food on Fridays community at www.AnnKroeker.com!
(My post today doesn't have a recipe, but any post that mentions food can be linked. Mine just happens to be clay corn, pumpkins, lettuce and carrots!)

Project 52 Photo Challenge: Week 1 "Resolution"

2012-01-07T18:51:00.002-05:00

Dear friends,

My friend and fellow blogger, Tonya Travelstead, just told me about the Project 52 photo challenge. You submit one photo per week on an assigned theme. This first week of the year is fittingly dubbed "Resolution."

Here is my photo of the week:

"Bride and Groom" by Peter Otfinoski

This sculpture is "Bride and Groom" by Peter Otfinoski. You can find it and many other Otfinoski bronze sculptures at Leu Gardens in Orlando, Florida. You can see some of my other photos here: Leu Gardens Again!

Thad and I with our youngest daughter at Leu Gardens

My husband Thad and I visited Leu Gardens earlier this week with some of our kids since admission is free the first Monday of each month. Thad pointed out the "Bride and Groom" piece to me.

My resolution this year is to strengthen my marriage with God's help. It's been a challenging year for our family in many ways, so we're taking this seriously. Thad and I have had some really productive forward-looking conversations lately. We're reading about family relationships and regularly seeking advice from wise pastors and counselors. And we try to go out together once a week. After 26 years of marriage and 20 years of home schooling our 10 children, we need this focused time with each other now more than ever. Hopefully this will pay rich dividends in the coming generations. (We already have two married daughters, and our second grandson is due next month!)

Click here to see Project 52!

Virginia Knowles
www.ComeWearyMoms.blogspot.com

P.S. Also on this blog: Help for Hurting Marriages.

Friday Favorites: Recalibrating for the New Year

2011-12-30T11:24:00.000-05:00

FridayFavorites:
Recalibrating for the New Year

Dearfriends,

Twomore days until the New Year!

Idon't know about you, but I am exhausted from 2011. It has been a year of very challengingtransitions for my whole family. Frankly, I don't feel much like writing anything except in my journal atthis point, hence the paucity of new posts on my blogs lately.

Ifeel a distinct need for recalibration at this point. I know there are areas of life where I havealmost completely lost motivation and vision, where I am battling to overcomenegative attitudes and habits. It's timeto renew my mind and tweak my lifestyle even more. In some ways, I just need to find my way backhome again in the sense of recapturing, rethinking, refreshing, reworking thenoble dreams I once had for my family. Yes, there has been much baggage of unrealistic(and/or legalistic) expectations that I've had to shed along the way, but Idon't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

Andfor that process, it seems I need a constant stream of inspiration, whether itis from the Bible (I have been reading and reflecting on Luke -- see Reflections on the 6th of Luke), or from the encouragement offriends (which has been so priceless in recent very difficult months), or fromauthors and musicians. And in this post, I'm sharing about some books, a CD, and some other blog posts to bless you, too.

Cold Tangerines

Myhusband, at my request, gave me a copy of Shauna Niequist's book Cold Tangerines,which, as the title suggests, has been very refreshing to my soul. Subtitled "Celebratingthe Extraordinary Nature of Every Day Life," it is is written in a warmand conversational style, and seeps deep. I appreciate that she doesn't offereasy answers, but instead explores some of the mysteries of faith and dailylife. I seriously don't know how people learn to write like that, and I confessthat I am insanely jealous. Maybe someday I will figure it out. In my dreams. One of my adult daughters who still lives at home borrowed the book,read it, and said it's her new favorite, too. Shauna Niequist reminds me of theliterary version of musician Sara Groves, whose music has been such a balm tome in the past several years.

Invisible Empires

I hadn't even realized Sara Groves had a new CD out, butmy husband saw Invisible Empires in the bookstore and gave it to me forChristmas. Perfect. We were listening toit in the car yesterday, just before our walk twice around Lake Lily. We are working through sobering and pivotalthings, the two of us, and that requires regular time away from the kids.

G.K. Chesterton

I've alsobeen reading some books on Kindle. Youdon't need an actual Kindle device to download and read them from Amazon. I read mine either on my iPod Touch or on mycomputer. One of my Facebook friends, Angela (aka The Thrifty Homemaker) routinely posts lists of free Kindlebooks. Here are three I've been enjoyinglately: 77 Ways to Get Your Kids to Help at Home by Judy H. Wright, The Heart of Abundance: A Simple Guide to Appreciatingand Enjoying Life by Candy Paull, and Orthodoxy by British writer G.K. Chesterton, a contemporary and friend of C.S. Lewis. "Witty" and "profound" arethe two words that come to mind when I think of the writing style of Orthodoxy. You have to think about this book, which is aChristian classic. I particularlyappreciate his kind words about those of us who think more poetically than logistically. Chesterton reminds us to break out of our airtight little circles of rigidly "rational" thinking and stretch our brains and our hearts to a larger life. I like that. I recommended it to my FB friend, and she added it in with today's list!

On My Blogs

· The End, The Beginning, and the In Between (brief reflection on Ecclesiastes)

· Every Body Matters (Book by GaryThomas, Review by Virginia Knowles)

· Christmas, A Gift of Joy (not just for theholidays)

· Ivory and Gray (A Wedding Poem)

· "A Strong Hope" from Grace Based Parenting byDr. Tim Kimmel

Inspiration inthe Blogosphere

· Simple Ways to Start Fresh in the New Year by CharlotteSeims at This Lovely Place "The new year is just around the corner and it’s a great time to get afresh start in your life. Whether you want to get in shape, manage your time or get a handle on your house cleaning, takeadvantage of the extra feeling of motivation this time of year to accomplishsome easy and doable tasks." (Charlotte is a home schooling mother of 12, speaker,author, and fitness trainer). Also from Charlotte's web site, an article byElvie Look: 21 Good (and Bad) Habits to Keep You Organized

· Filling your soul with beauty, truth and goodnessby Sally Clarkson at ITake Joy "Make a plan of how you will grow in wisdom, beauty andtruth this year. What will you read? When will you have a quiet time? What doyou need to stop doing? Make a plan for all the ways you will pour beauty,goodness, wisdom and truth into your children this year. What books and storieswill you read to them? When will you have devotionals with them? How do youneed to change to reflect love and graciousness to them so that they will formtheir relationship habits on gentleness and generous love?"

· When You Need a New You by Arabah Joy"And it strikes me one day, why somany of God’s people never breathe it in. Why we never let the Physician do thefull work He offers us: Someof us are content to stay on the other side of the Jordan. Likethe Reubenites, Gadites, and half tribe of Manassah, we are happy with the landjust short of the Promised Land. (Josh. 22:1-4) We decide our symptomsaren’t that bad, the prognosis is tolerable, andthere are far fewer risks involved. Who wants to spend their whole lifetime fighting to gain territory, anyway? We’llsettle for stuffed bookshelves and too-busy lives and the intake of so muchcaffeine that it needs its own budget….we’ll take what we can get and make the best of it." Also by Arabah Joy: The Gift

· Quiet Time 101byJeannieFulbright "Duringthe years I taught Bible study, I met many women who had never developed thehabit of a daily quiet time. It wasn’t that they didn’t want to have a quiettime, it was that they simply didn’t know exactly how. They had tried to readtheir Bibles, but found it didn’t gel. They tried to develop a habitual prayerlife, but found their minds wandered when they were praying so that theycouldn’t really get through their list of prayers. Because many adults didn’tgrow up in Christian families, they have never been taught how to have a vital,thriving quiet time with God. So, if you haven’t had a daily quiet time, how doyou begin?"

· A Faith That Fits by Emily at A Deeper Story "This faith I carry was stitched with as much love as thatyellow dress, and just as my Mama made a big quilt to cover their bed of allour baby clothes, maybe I can make something worthwhile yet. So I gather up thetired faith with my scissors, needle, and thread. And daily I snip outthe worn clean through spots, split open the seams, and try to find pieces thatare still good. I lay the salvaged squares out in front of me and try to pieceit together with the emerging faith. Maybe one day I will make somethingbeautiful from this mess. But today it’s still in pieces."

· Roasted Cinnamon Nuts OK, so this one isn't inspirational, but it sure is yummy. I bought a three pound bag of almonds atSam's Club made these as Christmas presents for my husband and my marrieddaughters. I presented them in Rubbermaid containers with festive red lids, and they were seriously the culinary rave of the day. My toddler grandson literally went nuts for them,and his pregnant mommy said she could just sit on the couch eating them allday. Lightly sweetened, and just plainscrumptious… I originally found this recipe linked from a post on Toni Anderson's Happy Housewife blog. More food? Check out Ann Kroeker's Food on Fridays; you can find today's post at Food on Fridays: Shrimp in Garlic Cream Sauce.

God bless you, friends!

Virginia Knowles

www.ComeWearyMoms.blogspot.com

"A Strong Hope" from Grace Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel

2011-12-02T11:00:00.000-05:00

“Anything—minus hope—equals nothing. Hope is the human equivalent of oxygen whenit comes to a person’s ability to live effectively. Take it away, and everything else becomesirrelevant. Without hope it isimpossible to live a balanced life. Farworse, without hope, people surrender too soon and die too young… Any parent who wants to raise his or herchildren into strong, confident and resilient adults has got to grasp thereality of children’s fundamental need to a strong hope… Kids groomed in a grace-based environmentfind it easier to be visionaries, to trust in a better future, and to long fora greater good…”

Welcome back to my series of reflections on the book Grace Based Parenting Dr. Tim Kimmel! I thoughtthe quotes above would provide a great introduction for this chapter called “A StrongHope.” It’s the start of the Christmasseason as I write this, and hope is certainly a relevant topic at themoment. Hope is often hard to come by,even as the holiday music serenades us in the shopping mall and advertisementspromise us a jolly life if we only buy their shiny stuff on sale. My own kids are working on their wish listsright now! In the midst of the holidayhoopla, despair and disillusionment can creep in and take over not only the “worldout there” (with wars, human trafficking, poverty and other social maladies)but also our own homes and churches. Iknow. I’ve been there. It’s a black hole. And yet Jesus Christ came to bring us hope—forthe peace and presence of God, for our future in eternity, and for building communitiesof faith with others in the here and now. I could use a good strong dose of that hoperight now.

This is a really long chapter—over 30 pages long—but I’ll try todistill the essence into one blog post! Dr. Kimmel's words, as well as Scripture verses, are in italics.

“One of the first things we needto understand is the role that helplessness plays in building a strong hopeinto our children. Their early abilityto trust us in the areas where they are helpless to meet their personal needsweighs heavily in their ability to ultimately trust God as they grow older… Ifhe can’t trust the adults in his life when he is helpless, why should he assumethat he could trust in a God he can’t see—especially if that trust in God ispreached to him by the parents who failed to help him in his time of need?”

Dr. Kimmel writes this to introduce hiscomments on the rigid feeding and sleeping schedules advocated by some childtraining authors. He doesn’t mentionwhich ones, but the obvious frontrunners are Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo ofBabywise, who have been sharply criticized by many in the medical and parentingfields, especially since this has led to dehydration and malnutrition in youngbabies. Infants need responsiveness fromtheir parents, not strict clock watching. When a baby is genuinely hungry – which isn’t always on cue from the parents– he learns to trust those caring for him when they are feeding him. That doesn’t mean that parents are slaves totheir babies, but that they orchestrate a reasonable, flexible routine. When my first baby was born, I tried to stickto a four hour feeding schedule. Shemight be crying loudly to be fed, but I would look at my watch and say, “No,five more minutes until you can eat!” Then it was ten minutes of nursing on oneside, then ten minutes on the other side, and we were done for the next fourhours. If she was asleep when it was “timeto eat” I would wake her up. Really! Atleast that’s the way we started. I eased up considerably as we went along, justbecause it seemed the sensible thing to do. When her sister was born 22 months later, I entirely ditched the fourhour plan and fed when it was a good time for both of us. If she seemed hungry, I nursed her. If we were about to go somewhere and I knew Iwouldn’t be able to discretely breastfeed her, I would nurse her before weleft. If she was taking a nap, I would “letthe sleeping baby lie”! If it was timefor bed and she was awake, I would give her a milky “nightcap” until she fellasleep, even if she had just eaten an hour before that. And that’s the way I fed the next eightbabies, too. That responsiveness alsomeant that I had to start the last four babies on a mostly formula diet –though still nursing on a flexible schedule -- since by my late thirties andearly forties I couldn’t produce nearly enough milk no matter what I tried. If I had listened to eager moms who thoughtcow’s milk was poison and insisted on breast only, my babies would haveseriously failed to thrive. I needed toset aside my mommy ego and do what was best for my helpless babies. They were developing their most basic trustin me, whether it was by breast or bottle! I have watched that first sweet baby girl grow up to be a responsive andresponsible mommy to her own little guy. (Sally Clarkson has just written a blog post related to motherlyresponsiveness to feeding needs here: DoUnto Your Children As You Would Have Them Do Unto You, and Tulip Girl has aserieson the pitfalls of various aspects of Babywise parenting.)

Feeding is a profound metaphor for our spiritual needs, too. Jesus knows we are hungry and thirsty. “I am the bread of life!” and “I am theliving water!” are two of his most poignant promises to those who come to him, whetherit is the woman at the well, or the hungry crowd of thousands on the hillside, ora 21^st century family in the suburbs.

As parents, we need to be aware of our children’s real life needs, sowe can come alongside and offer loving nourishment and help. They will certainly need leadership and encouragementin their spiritual lives. Otherwise: “They have no idea how to find the way, knowthe truth, or gain the life… Passivity when it comes to their spiritual lifesigns their death warrant in advance. Few find their way through to God on their own. They need loving parents enthusiastically leadingthe way.”

Then there are the practical needs in their lives. Yes, they need to start learningindependence. But first they needguidance and a tactical boost. Maybe itis tutoring in a weak academic area, or help choosing a healthy breakfast, or interventionwith an irritable sibling, or tips on filling out college scholarshipapplications, or a small loan to start a lawn mowing business. Whatever we do, we can train and equip themfor success in the future.

“Fortunately, children don’t stayhelpless forever, and eventually they become old enough to feed themselves,groom themselves, communicate clearly, and even stand up for themselves. Their minds develop well enough to thinkinductively and deductively. Our mistakeis when we fail to relinquish our control over these areas once children havegotten to where they can handle them on their own. Parents who run their children’s lives andmake most of their decisions discourage them from individual thinking. This can damage their ability to learn tolean on God. It also confuses their ultimatechoice to put their hope in God and could mislead them into thinking that God likesto keep them hopeless, too.”

God does not isolate us from worldly traps that could bring us down. He wants us to become mature enough tofunction around them and not be influenced by them. He doesn’t want us to remain as spiritualinfants, fed only on milk, though that is where we all rightly start. “Butsolid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves todistinguish good from evil.” (Hebrews 5:14)

“When I was a child, I talkedlike a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish waysbehind me.” (1 Corinthians 13:11)

So as parents, we must transition from protecting our children topreparing them. We give them moreoptions, knowing that they will make some bad choices and learn from them. “Eventually they’ve got to stand on theirown two feet. God gives us theirchildhood (especially their teenage years) to let them practice makingdecisions under our roofs. Simple logicwould say that if children are going to struggle and make bad choices, it’sbetter that they do so while they remain involved with loving parents to helpthem through it. When parents don’t letthem practice, children often overreact to the freedom when they go to collegeor go out on their own. Unfortunately,those mistakes can do greater harm to them (and to others). Grace-based parenting is shrewd about helpingchildren grow up and develop independence before they are sent out on theirown.”

We’re teaching our kids to trust in God, that there is hope for a good future,but what happens when things don’t seem to turn out all right? I have a young adult daughter, still living at home, who has faceda lot of tough circumstances this year. It seems no matter how hard hereffort, something comes up to wipe out any gains. She is learning endurancethrough all of us, and I’ve reminded her of how much more compassionate she willbe with others after struggling so much herself. As Dr. Kimmel writes, “Now, there’s one more area where God wants to use us to build theirhope, and that’s when God chooses to solve their problems in ways that wouldn’tbe of their own choosing… In these types of scenarios, they are hoping for aphysical miracle, an intellectual epiphany, or a relational windfall tosuddenly make everything right. The Godwe trust in doesn’t always deal with these problems in ways we expect or hopefor. Sometimes He answers our pleas withanswers like “No” or “Wait” or “Later.” When He does, it’s because He isworking to make us better and stronger and to draw us closer to Him. He has a bigger plan that this setback fitsinto. Children need to have a hope inHis love that enables them to trust in His character while walking down thesepainful corridors of their lives. Forthe child facing these crises, the grace that has surrounded him, the love he’sbeen shown, and the character of the parents who gave him that grace and loveprovide a natural springboard for him to rest in God’s final answer to hispleas. It helps him hope when everyoneelse would give up.”

I feel like I’ve already learned so much from this chapter, yet thereis still so much more! How about “AChecklist for Building Strong Hope”? Here are the bare bullet points in bolditalic, which Dr. Kimmel expounds on for several pages, along with mybrief comments on each one in parentheses.

1. Children develop a strong hope when theyknow their parents recognize their God-given abilities and liabilities and turnthem into assets for their future. (Dr. Kimmel applies the Proverbs 22:6 verse “Train up a child in the wayhe should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it” as meaning weshould not only train our children in God’s ways, but discover the individualway our children are created and called to be and equip them for success inthat. We also need to determine whattheir specific weaknesses are and help them to overcome in those areas. They are not mini clones of us!)

2. Children develop a strong hope when theirparents lead them and encourage them to live a great spiritual adventure.(One of my favorite phrases about life and parenting is “the grand adventure”so he instantly has my ears on this one. What he’s getting at is that our goal shouldn’t necessarily be “the safelife” for our kids. Over-shelteringleads them to be critical of others, and naïve about the dangers they willface. Life is inherently risky. Will they be ready? Not to mention that Christians are called torisk their lives for the gospel anyway, whether they are foreign missionariesor not. Yes, we should be shrewd. We don’t throw a defenseless child to thewolves. But we do teach them to rely onGod, to discern good from evil, to make wise choices, to deal with theinevitable dangers. Much of what we doas Christian parents is a reflection of our middle-class suburbansensibilities. Parents in Third Worldcountries don’t have our options, yet they can still raise spiritually savvychildren who can withstand whatever cultural pressures and socioeconomic circumstancesthey encounter. Speaking again of over-protectiveparents, Kimmel writes, “These protectedenvironments don’t allow a system of spiritual antibodies to develop within thecharacter of the child. This produces a generation of people who must within aspiritually sterilized environment in order to survive. These are nice systems that produce nice kidswho marry nice kids who go to nice churches and hang out with like-mindedfriends. Meanwhile, the lost people inthe world around them continue in their doomed condition. In these environments, there is little spiritualadventure. God is nice, Jesus becomes aplush toy that we cuddle, and we become irrelevant.” I cried when I read Kimmel’s analogy ofthe ship that never goes past the harbor entrance. That’s because of a simple quote my second daughter taught me when she, at age 19, traveled by herself to spend three monthsin the remote (and very hazardous) mountains of Bolivia: "A ship inharbour is safe, but that is NOT what ships are built for" (WilliamShedd). I know I linked these in the post for last chapter, but here they are again: AShip in Harbour is Safe..., and AndThey Are Strong and Bold... (Girls and the Grand Adventure) and ComeWith Me Here. Those who have childrenin public school may wish to read GoingPublic: Your Child Can Thrive in Public School by David and KelliPritchard. I just received my copyyesterday, so I haven’t read the whole thing, but what I’ve read so far is verygood and very stretching. I am still home schooling several of mychildren, as I have for 20 years, but also have two in public school.

3. Childrendevelop a strong hope when their parents help them turn their childhood into aseries of positive accomplishments. Equip, equip, equip! I often tell my kids, “I am here to help yousucceed!” But I need to follow through more with this for sure!

And in all of this, what do they need? Our own example! They need to seeus exercising self-discipline, growing intellectually and spiritually, andtaking on new challenges with gusto. With our kids, we sometimes also need to “learn the graceful art of ‘pushingcarefully’ by establishing realistic standards and then shoving them in theright direction.” Yow, that one hitsa little too close to home for me. Itend to lean more toward being lax in making my kids work hard at school andchores, and it has come back to bite me. Other parents might lean into pushing their kids to over achieve – whichdoesn’t make them better people, just more proficient in certain areas. “Theyneed to see their commitment to achievement as a way to glorify God as well asa way to make them more valuable to others. Grace helps us keep achievement in its rightful place, as a means to anend.”

Kids won’t always win. They alsoneed to learn to lose gracefully, to get past their failures, and to tryagain. Parents make powerful cheerleaderswhen the going gets rough. And when weare discouraged in parenting, we need a little cheer of hope to keep us going,too:

“Let us not become weary in doinggood, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”(Galatians 6:7-9).

There are six more chapters in this book. I hope to write about them soon, but for now,I’ve got some work to do on my own harvest!

You can read my previous posts on this book here:

Chapter 1: "Why Well-Meaning Parenting Falls Short"

Chapter 2: "The Truth Behind Grace"

Chapter 3: “A Secure Love”

Chapter 4: "A Significant Purpose"

Grace to you,
Virginia Knowles
www.ComeWearyMoms.blogspot.com

Friday Favorites #13: Identity and Difficulty

2011-10-28T09:11:00.000-04:00

The Knowles family on October 15, 2011

Dear friends,

It’sabout time for more FridayFavorites! Yes, it’sbeen over two months since I’ve done this, but we’ve had a wedding to plan (Just a FewWedding Pictures and A Country StyleWedding Reception) and I wrote several posts in my Grace BasedParenting series in the interim. And now I’m really having to limit bloggingtime because our family is walking through a very challenging season of life. Your prayers are greatlyappreciated.

However, I did want to compile this group of links that I thought would be helpful to some of you. Most of these are in some way related tohaving a true sense of identity, and I can tell you, I have been thinkinglately that “It is a good thing I know who I am.”

Ihave posted brief excerpts with each link, and I would encourage you to read thefull articles for anything which piques your interest.

How To AffordWhat Really Matters- Living Loved by Arabah Joy “I know this voice well.How often it tells me that I need to teach my children a lesson; that a fewwell placed, hard words will bend them to my liking and will prevent futuremishaps; that in order to get the appropriate response I want, I must listen tomy emotions, lay down the law. I surely must address this and nip it in thebud. If not, my child will run wild and I’ll never be able to“control” him or her again. I simply can’t afford anything other than strong-armedparenting. Except the voice has been proven a liar. I’ve been down a parentingroad or two that I don’t ever care to visit again. This is one of them. But how to find the wayout? Because it is a dark road, not well marked, and finding your way backisn’t easy. And just because I’ve learned that Shepherd’s staff trumps Egypt’swhip doesn’t mean I always know what the staff looks like…how it playsout from situation to situation. It can all be so frustratingly ambiguous. Whatexactly am I supposed to do? The refrain echos from the chambers of my heart:“Live Loved,” it says once again.

Jamie’s BiggestHomeschooling Mistake: Failing to Be Me by JamieMartin at Simple Homeschooling “I began my homeschooling career like many ofyou: with a whole host of stereotypes and a conveyor belteducation hangover. I believed I wasn’t fully equippedto teach my children and that a system knew what they needed better than I did.Even though I dared, as many of you have, to venture out on this path–I carriedmy baggage with me. As a result, I wanted to homeschool the “right” way. Idesperately didn’t want to fail my children or screw up their education, theirsocialization, their lives! So I read some really good books abouthomeschooling, searched for the ideal curriculum, and turned down the dial onmy inner intuition. But something didn’t feel right. Me.”

What’s Happenedto Satan? By Preston at A Deeper Story“The boy removed his horns from his head and offered them and his pitchfork tome, stating simply and confidently, “I don’t want to be Satan anymore.” Ireceived them with the same look of earnest conviction that he had offered themto me. “Alright, what shall you be, then?”

Which personalities are the mostacceptable? by SallyClarkson at I Take Joy“We live in a world that values conformity. We want to use our force, ourpower, our authority to make people, and our children, fit into the box. Begood. Be tame. Be moral. Don’t bring attention to yourself. Don’t contendor question what the norm.” – which leads into her son’s article…

OCD, ADHD, ADD,ODDby Nathan Clarkson at The MOB Society (for Moms ofBoys) “I am different, sometimes crazy, I am more volatile than most, I am alittle louder at some points and much quieter than anyone at other times, Ifeel things strongly, I don’t idle well, I dance and sing VERY loudly.”

Be Careful WhoYou Listen To by Lizzie Julin at Submission Is Not Silence“Through history, women have heard conflicting messages, enough to blur anddistort the truth of who they are: their importance and significance. Fear ofbeing controlled and fear of abuse still resonate in women. In some placesslave trafficking, domestic violence and unfair workplace policies steal theirself respect and excitement for life. Everywoman is significant by birth! Every woman can become strong and effective withwisdom from the Bible and persistent effort. Her courageous steps towardexpressing it will work for her benefit her whole lifetime.” Also see DebatingAbigail

Two AbigailsPart 1and Part 2by MatthewS at Recovering Grace “The first Abigail is a wise andbeautiful hero, an inspiration to women and men everywhere. Her quick thinking,deliberate action, and diplomatic speech saved many lives. We meet this Abigailin a delightful story told in 1 Samuel 15. Sadly, many of us raised under theInstitute in Basic Life Principles and ATI’s teachings grew up hearing amisleading version of this courageous person’s story.”

I Call YouBlessedby Beverly Bradley at Out on a Limb “Then Jesus toldhim, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who havenot seen and yet have believed.” As Reb was reading, I sensed the Lord embrace me, saying,“You have never seen Me, and yet you believe.” My heart responded, “But I falter, andI struggle everyday to remember and to believe.” His encouragement persisted. “You have never seen Me, and yet you believe in Me. You don’t stop believingin Me. You fall, but you get up, go on; you believe and won’t stop. Icall you blessed.” Iwas amazed! Here I was in the throes of my weakness, and Jesus called meblessed! “Seriously,Lord, You are O.K. with this…this train wreck?” “I call you blessed.”“Well then, if I knowI am not wounding Your heart, and I have to struggle every day of my life, thenO.K., I will fight this as long as I live, and I will believe.”“I call you blessed.” Tears of relief flooded me. I could fight thisfight as long as I knew I had His smile.

Andfinally, though it is not a blog post, I thought I would end this emphasis onidentity with a news story: Name changers:285 Indian girls no longer 'unwanted'
“Hundreds of Indian girls whose namesmean "unwanted" in Hindi chose new names Saturday for a fresh startin life. A central Indian district held a renaming ceremony it hopes will givethe girls new dignity and help fight widespread gender discrimination thatgives India a skewed gender ratio, with far more boys than girls.”

Which in turn reminds me of the identity that God offers usin Jesus: “But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood,a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises ofhim who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are thepeople of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy." (1 Peter 2:9-10)

Blessings,

Virginia Knowles

www.ComeWearyMoms.blogspot.com

"A Significant Purpose" from Grace Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel

2011-09-30T15:02:00.000-04:00

“ASignificant Purpose”

Thanksfor continuing to read my series on Grace Based Parenting by Dr.Tim Kimmel. I’m really encouraged by thenotes I’ve received in my inbox since I began it, including two very sweet onesfrom Dr. Kimmel’s Family Matters ministry staff. I know from reading the feedback that some ofyou have been deeply wounded by legalism, and others admit that they have hurttheir own children unwittingly with their lack of grace in parenting. I am right there with you. I am learning new truths about grace evenafter nearly a quarter century of parenting 10 children. Sometimes I feel like I’m starting over atKindergarten. So let’s all pray for eachother, shall we?

These brief reflections barely touch the surface of the book. I hope you will order your own copy from either the Family Matters bookstore or from Christian Book Distributors.

If you would like to read my thoughts on the first three chapter, you can find them here:

Chapter 1: "Why Well-Meaning Parenting Falls Short"
Chapter 2: "The Truth Behind Grace"
Chapter 3: “A Secure Love”

Chapter4 of Grace Based Parenting covers the second deep need of children, “ASignificant Purpose.” It opens with agripping story from the movie October Sky. (I’m going to have to watch that soon!) Homer Hickam is growing up in a West Virginia coal mining town when thenews of the Soviet satellite Sputnik rocks the world. To the townsfolk, who had been programmed fordecades to “think small”, this harbinger of Russian domination brings gloom anddefeat. To Homer, hope for his ownfuture. “Homer Hickam had seen what themine could do to a man”: black lung disease, ruined families, a graceless angryfather who refused to see the potential for his son to doing somethingmore. Homer believed “that he was put onthe earth for something different, something strategic.” So he and his buddies became obsessed withlearning about rocketry and eventually won a national science competition. His father was bitterly disappointed in hisquest – at first. Fortunately, he had achange of heart that spurred his son on to getting an advanced education andjoining NASA as part of the team that sent astronauts into space.

Withthis story, Dr. Kimmel reminds us that “There is a deep longing in the heart ofevery child to ‘make a difference’ … They weren’t born to be commondenominators or mere faces in the crowd. That’s why tyrannical governments get so little out of theirpeople. God didn’t create us to ignoreour potential or abandon our dreams. Hemeant for us to be free so that we could pursue our potential withabandon. Despots, and the oppressionthat often accompanies them, insult God by refusing to create the environmentthat encourages potential to take root and grow. Tyrannical families blunt potential,too. So do preoccupied families and indifferentfamilies and lazy families. Our childrendeserve better. God has left us asstewards of our children’s gifts and skills. Just as God has given us a chance to send our children into the futurewith a secure love, He has also given us the opportunity to send our childreninto the future with a significant purpose.’”

Anotherold movie that Dr. Kimmel mentions is Mr. Holland’s Opus, the story of a manwho had great dreams of becoming a composer, but takes a job as a high schoolband director to pay the bills. He failsto realize what an impact he has on his students as he launches them into theirown fulfilled potentials – until the dramatic end of the film when “what goesaround comes around”!

Ifour children don’t have a significant purpose, they might end up with anunderdeveloped purposed, growing old without any sense of making a differenceor measuring up to expectations. Or theymight have a revengeful purpose, trying to achieve their dreams as a means ofgetting back at parents who told them they couldn’t. Or they might have a wasted purpose, nevercoming close to tapping their own potential or finding their niche.

That’snot what I want for my kids. I want tohelp them find their purpose at several levels that Dr. Kimmel outlines:

First,they must find a general purposeof revering God, gaining wisdom, working hard, and serving others. This is foundational character for allpeople, young and old. Some of us arestill playing catch-up in these areas, but we need to develop these qualitiesin our own lives, so it will be natural to pass them on to our children. Next, we help them discover a specific purpose consistent withtheir skills and abilities. That doesn’tmean that they focus only on one or two key talents. They need to be well-rounded with manyabilities while honing their special skills. Children also need a relationalpurpose by learning “how tolove, how to be forthright, how to be transparent with close friends, how toconfront, and how to forgive.” Finally,the ultimate relationship we can have is with God, so we cannot neglect spiritual purpose. (See Shiela Catanzarite’s article “Teaching Our Children to Walk with God.”)This is an often neglected priority! Do they know the deep love of God, and does it make a difference tothem? Do they realize that they can bethe salt of the earth and the light of the world? Are they faithful to use the gifts that Godhas entrusted to them?

Sohow do we build this sense of purpose in our children?

Children feel significant when theyare regularly affirmed. A sweetgrandmother recently told me how important it is for children to feel esteemed,and it’s true. I think many Christianparents, wanting to teach their children humility, pass on what I call “theworm mentality.” They hammer home thepoint that we are despicable sinners incapable of anything good, and forget thepart about being wondrous creations of a loving Father, equipped for worthydeeds. We can spend so much time tryingto fine-tune them through constant correction that we neglect to empower themwith sincere and significant encouragement. I’m not talking about flattery or emptycompliments. They see through that, andit doesn’t prepare them well for the real world where praise is based on actualeffort and achievement. “Affirmation catches your children doing somethingright. It notices when they do thingsyou know don’t come easy to them. Itapplauds them when they fix a wrong or dig themselves out of a hole they’vemade (like bringing up a poor grade). Itthanks them for living out their moral principles and being willing to standalone for their convictions.” Yet we sooften nullify encouragement with criticism, especially in the challenging teenyears.

Children feel significant when theyknow they have our attention. Jesus noticed kids – and encouraged his followers to welcome them. As parents, “we need to have a workingknowledge of our children’s likes and dislikes, their friends and theirdetractors, and the big things and little things that matter most in theirlives.”

Children feel significant when theyare gracefully admonished. Yes, we need rules, moral guidelines, and consequences as we raisechildren. And yes, our children willstill succumb to sin in many ways in the process of learning to appropriatelyguard their hearts. When they do sin,they need our gracious response instead of our harsh or fearful reaction. The result of careful, firm, lovingdiscipline is found in Hebrews 12:11 – “yet to those who have been trained byit, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.”

Dr.Kimmel closes this chapter by reminding parents: “It’s almost mystifying butit’s true. We matter more to our kidsthan we realize. They were born with aneed to make a difference. For good orfor ill, we play the biggest role in determining what kind of difference theywill ultimately make.”

~*~*~

Ihave shared with you some of the thoughts from the book, and now, as I did forthe last chapter, I’d like to extend that with some reflections of my own.

Overthe past few years, one of my themes for research and writing has been abuse ofauthority in churches and homes, especially as related to the home schoolingmovement. Tragically, there is noshortage of blogs written by young people who have been deeply hurt by thecontrol and legalism they were raised with. One of the best is by a group of people whohad been raised in Bill Gothard’s ATI and IBLP programs. They write at www.recoveringgrace.org, which is anexcellent resource. (Other blogs arewritten by mothers like Karen Campbell at www.thatmom.comwho are waking up to the damage they have caused in their own homesand want to spare other moms from hitting the same potholes.) Some of the youngpeople have broken ties with their families. Others have left the Christian faith entirely. My counselor, whose own five children werehome schooled when they were younger, tells me that based on his observations,more young people rebel against faith and family because of legalism than fromsecular influences. That is one reasonthat I am starting to speak out more boldly as an insider who has “been there,done that and lived to tell the story.” You can read many of my thoughts on this topic at one of my other blogs,www.watchtheshepherd.blogspot.com.

Italso reminds me of the lyrics of “Viva La Vida” by Coldplay. First verse:

Iused to rule the world

Seas would rise when I gave the word

Now in the morning I sleep alone

Sweep the streets I used to own

Pridegoes before a fall. Despots will meettheir due, whether in government or parenting. And true leaders empower those who are in their care. They equip them to succeed rather thanintimidate them with fear just to remain in control. This also reminds me of one of my favoritechildren’s picture books, The Rebellious Alphabet by Chilean exile Jorge Diaz. The tyrannical but illiterate Little Generalmeets his match in book-and-liberty-loving Placido and his unusually talented canaries.

Ithas actually been really fun to see my older children blossom, to launch theminto amazing adventures where fear could have prevented us from sending them. You might like to read some posts about missiontrips my daughters Mary, Julia, Rachel and Joanna took as teens and youngadults:

And They Are Strong and Bold... (Girls and the Grand Adventure)
A Ship in Harbour is Safe...
To Bolivia with Love (poem)
A is for Angela
B is for Bolivia
Come With Me Here
Abbondanzade Vita
To Italy with Love

AsI type these words, I am sitting in an auditorium waiting for a Broadway Nightproduction at my fifth daughter’s high school. Lydia is singing “A New Life” from the musical Jekyll and Hyde. As I’ve been listening to her rehearse thelyrics, I’ve been struck with how well they mesh with the theme of much of thisGrace Based Parenting book: the need for love, purpose, hope. (Later note: It was a terrific performance –but unfortunately her accompaniment track stopped short and after several morelines of beautifully sung fluster, she did too. I am so proud of how she handled this disappointment – with goodhumor! I’ll try to post video later, buthere is a verse from the lyrics that speaks about purpose:

A new start -

That's the thing I need,

To give me new heart -

Half a chance in life

To find a new part,

Just a simple role

That I can play.

Thereis much more I could write about raising kids with purpose, but I’ll have topass right now because this post is getting long and my time is getting short! But you are more than welcome to browsearound on my blogs, www.VirginiaKnowles.blogspot.com, www.comewearymoms.blogspot.com,www.startwellhomeschool.blogspot.com,www.continuewellhomeschool.blogspot.com, www.finishwellhomeschool.blogspot.comand www.watchtheshepherd.blogspot.com.

Blessings,

VirginiaKnowles

www.ComeWearyMoms.blogspot.com

“A Secure Love” from Grace Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel

2011-09-22T11:11:00.000-04:00

“A Secure Love” from Grace BasedParenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel

Helloagain! Welcome back (or for the firsttime) to myseries of reflections on the book GraceBased Parenting: Set Your Family Free by Dr. Tim Kimmel.

“A Secure Love” is the third chapter of the book. You can read my other posts here:

Introduction
Chapter 1: "WhyWell-Meaning Parenting Falls Short"
Chapter 2: "TheTruth Behind Grace"
Chapter 4: "A Significant Purpose"

Inthe opening chapters, Dr. Kimmel reminds us that children need three mainthings to flourish in life: a secure love, a significant purpose, and a stronghope. Then he devotes a chapter to eachone. Today, we’re talking about thefirst of the three, secure love. Ourexample to follow is God the Father, who pursued us with compassion and grace,even when we had sinned.

“Dearfriends, let us love one another, for love comes from God… This is how Godshowed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that wemight live through him. This is love:not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoningsacrifice for our sins. Dear friends,since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.” (1 John 4:7-11)

“If God is for us, who can be against us? Hewho did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all – how will he notalso, along with him, graciously give us all things?... In all these things aremore than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nordemons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nordepth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from thelove of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:31b-32, 37-39)

Asparents, we all want to love our children. But saying we love them, and even doing things to communicate that tothem is not quite enough. They need toknow that we will love them no matter what, even when it is inconvenient, whenthey are ungrateful, or when it costs us greatly. They should not have to compete against ourhobbies or careers for our attention, or feel like they have toearn our love through performance.

“Love is thecommitment of my will

to your needs andbest interests,

regardless ofthe cost.”

Wemake decisions based on our covenants and priorities, so we need to carefullyconsider and meet the actual needs of our children. This doesn’t mean that we give themeverything they want, side with them when they are wrong, or shield them fromreasonable consequences. This would becatering to selfishness, not need.

Dr.Kimmel uses 3 “A” words to remind us that children feel secure and loved thenthey are accepted as theyare, affiliated with a lovingand honoring family, and when they receive regular and generous helpings of affection.

Sowe don’t want to subject them to a barrage of nitpicking criticism, or put themdown because they are curious, excited, helpless, or absent-minded. We don’t want to tease them for how they lookor what is happening to their growing bodies. Instead, we must learn to cherish and steward their uniquepersonalities, gifts, and dreams. And wemust remember that “God has hard-wired our skin to our souls… With rareexceptions, children are especially responsive to meaningful tender touch.”

Sofar, I’ve mainly recounted what Dr. Kimmel has said, but I would like to extendthis to a few related reflections of my own.

~*~*~

Ihave always loved the stories in Matthew19:13-14 and Mark9:33-37 of how Jesus took the children in his arms and blessed them and howhe encouraged adults to receive the children “like this.” It’s more our attitude than the exact actionthat counts. For example, some of mychildren prefer not to be hugged or kissed quite as much but they still needfor me to convey my attitude of affection. Instead, I might give them a pat or rub on theback, or an air kiss and a big smile from across the room, or simply a spoken, “Ilove you and I’m so proud of you.” Idon’t stop the affection when they leave home and can’t see us in person. There is always the phone, e-mail, and Skypeto keep us connected.

It’shas often been said that kids need a firm foundation of secure love from theirparents so that they won’t go looking for counterfeit substitutes, such astwisted people who will take advantage of a young person’s emotional need fortheir own selfish gain, or well-meaning but misguided peers who will take themdown moral paths they shouldn’t go. I amnot saying that we should be the only ones who love our children, the only onesthey should trust. Part of healthy parenthood is launching them into nurturingrelationships with others outside our family. That’s an essential for their future marriages – leaving us and cleavingto their spouse. And certainly everyoneneeds good friends and a good faith-family (church and Christian organizations) to supplement what we have already given themin our homes. But it starts athome. That’s the foundation. If they lack a secure love from us, they arestarting off at a serious disadvantage. Soare they going to learn what a healthy relationship looks like in the workshopof our family life, or find it out by trial and error?

Ithink back on my own relationships, not only as a child or teen but intoadulthood. Yes, I was burned a fewtimes by people who claimed to love me. However, I have also been quite blessed by those who really did. The familyand friends I have bonded with most closely are the ones who have expressedunconditional acceptance to me by their words or actions. I can tell them anything and know they willstill stick with me no matter what. Ican trust them. But they don’t just putup with me and my "life messes" out of a sense of duty. I’m not their pity project, but theirauthentic friend. They also affirm thegood things they see in my life and cheer me on toward greatness. They make me feel special and valued for whoGod made me to be. They are lifelongfriends, lifelong gifts to me.

My grandmother, parents, brother, sister, and I

Iam fortunate as an adult to have that kind of relationship with my own parents, siblings, and extended family. Though they liveseveral hundreds of miles away from me, I try to see them as often as Ican. I particularly treasure a memory ofmy father from about a year ago. I wasagitated, fearful, and feeling very devalued. As soon as he saw this, he knelt down by my chair to comfort andencourage me. His quiet yet powerfulwords infused me with honor, worth, courage, purpose, and hope. And he followed up on that with otherconversations and with sacrificial actions. His tenderness and commitment toward me then nearly brings me to tearseven now. My father is not a religiousman and there are many areas where we don’t see eye to eye, but I know he lovesme no matter what our differences. The love I receive from him and from my sweet mother is a secure love. That’s the legacy I want to give my ownchildren.

Someother articles you might want to read:

DrivewayDelight by Carol Barnier at www.Sizzlebopblog.wordpress.com,“Where Highly Distractible People are Celebrated,Encouraged & Empowered”

Tender Compassion for Mothers by Virginia Knowles

"The Truth Behind Grace" from Grace Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel

2011-09-14T10:48:00.000-04:00

Dear friends,

Welcome to my reflections on chapter 2of Grace Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel. You might also enjoy reading my introduction, chapter 1, Why Well-Meaning Parenting Falls Short, or chapter 3, “A Secure Love”.

When writing a persuasive essay orpreparing for a debate, students are taught to examine possible objections totheir premise. The purpose is so thatthey can effectively address them and convince their audiences that their viewpointis still valid despite the contrary concerns. That is what this chapter does.

I know the objections that come upwhen Christians start talking about “living by grace” and protesting legalism. Beyond the realm of parenting, this theologyof grace has been a paramount one for me in recent years. It is even what led our family to leave achurch where it was a personal struggle for me to consistently experience grace where there seemed to be an over-emphasis on mortifyingindwelling sin. Our explorations intothe nature of grace have also led us to a lot of soul searching about how weraise and relate to our children. I wish I could say this has been an easy process, but unfortunately, there is a lot of misunderstanding about grace.

Here is the main objection to “living bygrace”: If we focus on God’s grace toomuch, we will use it as an excuse to not pursue holy living. We will just assume that since God forgivesus, we can do whatever we want and then tell him we’re sorry. Or, applying this to parenting, we can letour children do whatever they want and call it “grace” and not hold them togodly standards. That’s why we hearcomplaints about “greasy grace” or “cheap grace” that doesn’t requirerepentance or life change.

So how does Dr. Kimmel answer thisobjection? He acknowledges that it canbe valid and then elaborates on that by taking us to the life of Jesus. “TheWord became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the Oneand Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.” Hereminds us that grace and truth are inseparable, “two parts that make up asingle whole.” We cannot ignore themoral claims of the Bible, the truth that confronts our hearts and draws us torepentance. He agrees that using graceas an excuse to sin is a serious problem, and describes a family where he hasseen that sad dynamic. As he says, “A family without clearly defined rules andstandards can never be a grace-based family. It’s too busy being a nightmare to live in.”

Real grace actually calls us to a higherstandard because our hearts are changed. We have a new motivation: notperformance to gain acceptance, but gratitude and love which flow fromacceptance that we already have in Christ. We want to be like him because we adore who he is. We willingly embrace grace as ourtutor. “It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and tolive self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in this present age, while wewait for the blessed hope – the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior,Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and topurify for himself a people who are his very own, eager to do what is good.”(Titus 2:11-14)

After addressing how true grace changeslives, Dr. Kimmel reinforces his chapter 1 caution about parenting withoutgrace. He warns against using Scriptureto pistol-whip kids into submission, citing “Fathers, do not exasperate yourchildren; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord”(Ephesians 6:4) and “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they willbecome discouraged” (Colossians 3:21).

My daughter with her little guy

Weneed warm and strong relationships with our children that will empower them tolive for Jesus, not ego-fueled power struggles that break down their spiritsand beat down motivation. We need tofollow the example of God, who is “a graceful Father who cherishes his childrenand treats them in a way that draws them to His heart and the safety and securityof His everlasting arms.”

As I think about what Dr. Kimmel hassaid, I ponder about how often parents misrepresent the character of God. If achild is treated harshly by his parents, it’s a stumbling block toward how heviews God. He might still make themental assertion that “God is good, God is kind, God is patient, God is loving,God is forgiving,” because that has been what he's been told in words but if he sees the exact opposite in how his parents relateto him, his heart will be screaming adifferent message. I personally don’twant my mothering to cause this kind of cognitive dissonance in mychildren. I know I’ll never be a perfectrepresentation, and they don’t expect that.

Grandma loves you!

When they were babies, my little chant to them was, “Mommy loves you andDaddy loves you, but Jesus loves you so much more!” Or, “I haven’t been very patient and kindwith you today, but God is always patient and kind.” On the other hand, I don’t want to representGod as a pushover either. My childrenneed to learn to be patient and kind, too, and I am responsible for teachingthem. As Dr. Kimmel notes, "Home has got to be a place where our children are safe from the traps of the world and assured that they have parents who won't surrender God's standards -- even to them." So I can also tell them:

“No, I’m not going to back off! I want you to succeed in life, and this kindof behavior is only going to bring you down. I love you so much that I can’t let you get away with this.”
“Let's take a look at those song lyrics. Does this kind of foul language really help you appreciate and love God's holiness more -- or not?"
"No matter what he says or does or howyou feel about it, you may not hit your brother. Be kind!”
“Hand me the iPod and get back to yourmath! I don’t want you to get into afrantic crunch when it’s time to turn in your assignment.”
“Youmay not yell at me to help you with your math problem when I'm working with your sister. You can be patientand wait your turn. See if you can do other problems on this page until then.”
“You do not need to let your sister’swords control your attitude. The goodnews is that you have a choice and you can change. You can choose to be calm instead of angry.”

Grace or truth? Yes. Both. That istrue grace. That is gracious truth. And that makes for a happier home.

My daughter's sweet rendition of a happy home!
I love the sunshine and rainbow!

I leave you with some words from Abbé de Tourville about education, which applies to parenting as well.

Set aside everything which might make you at all touchy or timid and let all your qualities of goodwill, frankness and simplicity shine forth in your dealings with every one you meet. Never mind how different their characters and way of life may be, for our Lord desires us to behave thus even to the unrighteous which would otherwise be difficult...

Encourage with discretion all that is good in your pupils; let them feel your support without being embarrassed or hampered by it. Education, as the very word shows, means helping someone to develop himself, to draw out all that is good in him. It is the greatest of all benefits. That too is the meaning of the expression to direct¸ direction. Unless interpreted in this sense, I like the word formation less; it seems to me to carry the suggestion of a preconceived form into which one is to force people whether they like it or not. But people do not lend themselves to this kind of treatment and so the form remains empty.

(More quotes here: Wisdom from Letters of Direction by Abbé de Tourville)

Other posts in this series:

Introduction
Chapter 1: Why Well-Meaning Parenting Falls Short
Chapter 3: “A Secure Love”
Chapter 4: "A Significant Purpose"

You may also wish to read these posts:

Blessings,

Virginia Knowles

www.ComeWearyMoms.blogspot.com

"Why Well-Meaning Parenting Falls Short" from Grace Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel

2011-09-06T12:08:00.000-04:00

"Why Well-Meaning Parenting Falls Short" from Grace Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel

Dear friends,

I mentioned in yesterday’s introductory post that I am starting a new series of reflections on Dr. Tim Kimmel’s book Grace Based Parenting: Set Your Family Free. I am going to do this chapter by chapter, and here’s the first installment! If you would like to see all posts in this new category, click here: Reflections on Grace Based Parenting Book.

In this first chapter, “Why Well-Meaning Parenting Falls Short,” Kimmel lays out what he feels is the trouble with much of modern Christian parenting. It is not filled with dire statistics but solid principles and observations.

Dr. Kimmel uses a very apt word picture to describe the dilemma we often find ourselves in. He says that raising children is like trying to put together a jigsaw puzzle with no edge pieces, no cover picture, and a handful of pieces from a different puzzle thrown in to confuse us. To unpack his metaphor, it is hard to parent in a culture that values no moral boundaries and that refuses to follow the parenting picture that the Bible has laid out for us, but that another huge challenge is extra man-made standards thrown into the mix by those who claim to know what is best for all children.

He acknowledges that some Christian parents have given up on standards or Scripture, preferring to feel good rather than do good. However in this chapter, it seems like his primary concern is parents who are too controlling and restrictive, who have lost sight of grace. Christians who fearfully withdraw from culture lose out on their privilege of "being porch lights in the darkness" and this affects our children's ability to sense the active presence and power of God. Ironically, we often lose our children by holding on too tight.

No wonder we lose our way when our maps are wrong. When we raise our kids based on fear, behavior modification, control, image, what others are doing, or in reaction to crises we are facing – where is the joy and peace in that? And, bottom line, where is the lasting success? Kids who grow up in these kinds of home environments are at a distinct disadvantage. Their faith and convictions will be shallow and apathetic, more concerned with outward appearances than a deep inward maturity or a passion for Christ. They will feel intimidated and confused by the world around them, unable to navigate with true wisdom and confidence. They will feel stressed by an unhealthy sense of guilt and inadequacy, always struggling to “do it right” so their parents will approve, or failing that, rebelling against these expectations and values as being unreasonable.

What is the alternative? Parents who model a vibrant, trusting, and joyful relationship with Christ. Parents who rely on the guidance of the Holy Spirit in making decisions for their own families. Parents who apply firm and sensible standards in affirming ways. Parents who see their children as incredible treasures from God, uniquely created to be uniquely loved. Parents who are quick to extend mercy and forgiveness. Parents who see life as a grand adventure. Parents who nurture rather than control. Parents who set their families free with GRACE.

In order to do this, we need to be aware of three driving needs that children have – needs that we parents have too! These are:

a secure love
a significant purpose
and a strong hope

I’m looking forward to reading the chapters on each of these! In the meantime, I leave you with a quote from the last page of this chapter:

“As your children see you meeting your need for love, purpose and hope through your abiding relationship with Christ, your example will put power and authenticity behind your words.”

Amen!

Blessings,

Virginia Knowles

www.ComeWearyMoms.blogspot.com

P.S. As a reminder, you can read all posts in this Grace Based Parenting series here or read individual ones by clicking on these links:

Chapter 2: "The Truth Behind Grace"
Chapter 3: “A Secure Love”
Chapter 4: "A Significant Purpose"

New Series Coming: Grace Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel

2011-09-05T12:02:00.000-04:00

Hello friends!

In coming weeks, I'm going to be sharing what I'm gleaning from a book called Grace Based Parenting: Set Your Family Free by Dr. Tim Kimmel. (You can click on that title to see the book at Christian Book Distributors. It will let you look inside, too!) The book comes highly recommended by many people I respect, and I found a used copy of it a couple of months ago so I couldn't pass it up. In fact, just this morning I just saw a very favorable mention of it by Wendy Alsup in her post The Myth of the Biblical Parenting Method. Karen Campbell at http://www.thatmom.com/ also gives it five stars in her review.

While I will be reading the book on my own and taking notes on each of the 11 chapters to share with you, my husband and I are also planning to go through it together. We both realize how much we need grace in our family -- and how often we have detoured away from it with rigid expectations and frustration.

If you would like to read it at the same time I am writing my posts, grab your own copy here, and you can add your comments as we go along! I'd love a little company on the journey! And if you've already read it and want to offer your own opinion about it, leave a comment on this post!

As I post each article, I will link it right here.

Chapter 1: "Why Well-Meaning Parenting Falls Short"

Chapter 2: "The Truth Behind Grace"

Chapter 3: “A Secure Love”

Chapter 4: "A Significant Purpose"

You can visit Dr. Kimmel's web site at:

http://familymatters.net/

You may also wish to read/view articles and videos about parenting with grace at:

Blessings,

Virginia Knowles

http://www.comewearymoms.blogspot.com/

Friday Favorites #12: Back to School -- Overwhelmed?

2011-08-19T14:18:00.000-04:00

Dear friends,

This has been our first week of the school year, since the home school co-op that we rejoined (after a year of being "just home") started classes on Monday with plenty of academic assignments doled out for the rest of the week. To be honest, I am sometimes very overwhelmed. That's an understatement. Whether it is:

lost school books (note plural, and one is still missing!) and one that I even forgot to order in the first place
a fussy, mischievous first grader and an angry older sister who was trying to do homework in the midst of the interruptions
computer parts spread all over the carpet during a very educational dissection of a defunct machine
a broken washing machine when my son was trying to wash his shirt to wear to co-op -- that morning!
a child who is shocked by the number of math problems assigned
loud (nay, very loud!) kids having frequent fits of the hyper sillies
people who try to talk to me with toothpaste in their mouths (pet peeve!)
arguments over who gets to use my laptop (after which I changed the password to the kids' account on it -- so there!)
the Internet going off when I was in the middle of something (loose cord!)
a headache from staying up too late trying to plan out how in the world I can get my kids to be more consistent with chores and cleaning up after themselves...

Oh yes, the mama has been a bit spazzy the past several days! But there have been lots of bright spots, too, like:

getting back in to the classroom at co-op (my happy spot!) and chatting with the other moms in the teacher's lounge
an afternoon of caring for my one year old grandson Jacob on Wednesday
a birthday dinner for my husband last night with all 10 kids home (very rare!) -- that's him with Jacob
a quick date to Starbucks with him earlier that day to share a vente hot chocolate and a cranberry scone (thanks to a gift card from his sister)
a really good long back rub from my husband when I had a bad kink in my shoulder
helping my second daughter pick out a pretty font for her wedding invitations (less than two months to the big day!)
reading about missionary Mary Slessor with my 10 year old daughter, who wants to be a missionary when she grows up
sharing Philippians and Aesop's Fables with my five younger kids at the start of school each day (it may not be assigned but the Scriptures and good literature are vital!)
encouraging notes from family and friends
a teenage son who offered to bring me some ice water
an elderly neighbor who brought us most of a chocolate cake (since she baked one and couldn't eat it all by herself, and wanted to thank us for inviting her to church last week, which she loved, loved, loved).

Guess I'd better count my blessings and put a smile back on my face, huh? And I'm going to start taking my nutritional supplements again, like my thyroid booster, some St. John's Wort (kids asked if this is because I have warts -- then cheered when I told them it was to help me be not so grumpy), evening primrose oil for those female hormones, and the Juice Plus that we stockpiled a couple of years ago that is about to expire in a few months. I just divvied out daily doses into little snack size zip lock bags. Now I need to remember to take them. Oh yeah.

Well, maybe you can relate. Fortunately for all of us, there is plenty of encouragement for those tough days that is only a mouse click away. This is some of what has kept me going this past month since I last compiled a Friday Favorites post.

The Sweet Life of a Homeschooling Mom Comes through the Law of Kindness by Karen Campell at www.thatmom.com “As I read these words, I realize how often I have been loath to extend grace to my children and have allowed my own tastes and opinions to be presented to them as a holy standard, when the truth is that God’s Word is the standard we ought to be pointing toward. How often I have even been tempted to put my own spin on Scripture in order to “prove” that my preference is the “right” one. And I have remembered the times when my first thought was “what would other people think about me, especially as a homeschooling mom, if my kid does x, y, or z.” Also by Karen: The Sweet Life of the Home Schooling Mom is Based on Godly Wisdom

Ten More Ways to Keep Your Days Delightful, Part 1 by Teri (as guest posted on Jonesy’s blog Jonesville, Population 6) “As I schedule the busywork, I also make plans for the beauty I hope to find, or create, in our home-school. Some days ahead will be hard, very hard. And I know it! It’s easier to keep perspective if we bring out the joy, the delight, where we can – a kind of preventive measure against February’s angst. Here are ten tips on my mind for this August bloom.” Also by Teri: Ten More Ways to Keep Your Days Delightful, Part 1, and her original article from last year Ten Ways to Keep Your Days Delightful on her own blog, http://www.teritin.blogspot.com/

Home School Blog Conference Guest Post by Debbie Pittman (as guest posted on Jonesy’s blog Jonesville, Population 6) “I’m definitely more tired – I prefer to think of it as mellowing – but the biggest difference is that I no longer feel like I’m out to prove something. These days my motive for homeschooling is not based on a fear of anything, nor am I delusional enough to believe I am the only one who can teach my children what they need to know. I home educate for more pragmatic reasons.” You can follow Debbie, a 25 year veteran of home schooling 11 kids (some adopted) at her own blog, Cheaper by the Baker’s Dozen.

Your Failures Do Not Define You by Sally Clarkson at www.itakejoy.com “It is an illusion that anyone you know is perfect or can live by their works. No one can. All we like sheep have gone astray. We simply cannot hold to our ideals by effort, we are in total need of His mercy and grace, every day, all the time.” Also by Sally: Holiness is Not Law-Keeping by Love-Keeping and The Mystery of Child Training: Where to begin?

Westminster Dare by Sarah Clarkson at www.thoroughlyalive.com “In each of these stories or studies, I have found the simple fact that when a person comes to God, however flawed or frail they may be, and asks to be used to build his kingdom, to know, as those Westminster saints did, what is really true about the world, God responds. When people strip themselves of sin and illusion, when they step away from the frenzy of their culture and enter the quiet, waiting space of prayer, God speaks in ways they could not expect. When anyone pursues the truth about the nature of the world, or chases after real justice, or begs to glimpse and live real love, God answers and acts and invades their lives in a way I find shocking. The crux of it though is choice. Simple, but strenuous, a daily choosing to be vigilant in thought, disciplined in habits of body and mind, determined in prayer and in that seeking after the kingdom of God.”

Organizing Head & Heart to Home School by Ann Voskamp at www.aholyexperience.com “Education is the atmosphere we breathe, the envelope of wonder that surrounds us, held by the gravity of our daily habits.” Also by Ann: Live the Seven Rungs of Holistic Homeschooling

Looking to the Good Shepherd Jesus for the example of how to care for others... Keeping a discerning eye on those who claim to be shepherds of God's people... Learning to recognize, heal from, and speak out against abuse -- spiritual, emotional, verbal, and physical -- in churches, organizations, and families." Most of the initial posts came from this blog (www.comewearymoms.blogspot.com) and from my main blog (www.virginiaknowles.blogspot.com) but I have added other articles, a substantial links page, and a Quotes to Ponder page. My newest article there is: On Walking by Grace Instead of a Focus on Mortifying Indwelling Sin. Two analogies from that article:
I also wanted to let you know that I have created a new blog, www.WatchTheShepherd.blogspot.com with a tagline of "

1) If I only put the effort into correcting the errors in my kids' schoolwork, then that is all I will get to do. That is because if I don't spend the time to teach them well in the first place, I will by necessity have to spend all of my time pointing out where they messed up. It would be better to be proactive and teach it right from the start than have to go and react to the mistakes. I need to enthusiastically equip and nurture them for success, not set them up for the disabling, de-motivating discouragement of always being told how wrong they are.

2) A gardener has to spend time weeding a plot of ground, but the point is so that she can plant a lovely and fruitful garden, not so that she can have barren land. (See Mother's Seeds.) Yes, we have to correct one another at times, but if we aren't doing something beautiful, too, it's just plain empty.

Two quotes from my Quotes to Ponder page:

"But we'll be careful to be peacemakers and not peacekeepers.
Peacekeepers are likely to overlook the causes of pain and suffering,
to avoid dealing with it in order to maintain some kind of equilibrium
regardless of what it may be based on.
Peacekeepers prefer the status quo
and are apt to tell the hungry to quiet down
lest they disturb the sleep of the overfed."
Bishop William Frey in The Dance of Hope

“To be Queen Elizabeth within a definite area, deciding sales, banquets, labours and holidays; to be Whiteley within a certain area, providing toys, boots, sheets, cakes and books; to be Aristotle within a certain area, teaching morals, manners, theology, and hygiene; I can understand how this might exhaust the mind, but I cannot imagine how it could narrow it. How can it be a large career to tell other people’s children about the Rule of Three, and a small career to tell one’s own children about the universe? How can it be broad to be the same thing to everyone, and narrow to be everything to someone? No; a woman’s function is laborious, but because it is gigantic, not because it is minute. I will pity Mrs. Jones for the hugeness of her task; I will never pity her for its smallness.”

On my other blogs:

And an old article from StartWell: The Mom Alphabet (Here is the one for "O": "Overcome obnoxious offenses with optimism.")

Created to Be His by Becky -- I don’t know her, but she seems to be quite the kindred spirit to me in her concerns about grace and legalism

Recovering Grace – a blog by men and women who grew up in the IBLP/ATI movements founded by Bill Gothard – and wish to bring grace and healing to those who have been negatively affected by it

OK, that's enough! I've got to go finish up some history homework with one of my kids!

Blessings,

Virginia Knowles

www.ComeWearyMoms.blogspot.com

My History in the Conservative Quiverfull Home Schooling Movement: An Introduction to the Gender and Authority Series

2011-07-28T13:23:00.000-04:00

Dear friends,

I've been posting articles and web links for my series on Gender & Authority this past week, and just compiled them all into the July edition of my Hope Chest e-magazine which is sent to about 950 families around the world. This is the introduction I gave to those who don't know me, and I thought it would serve well as an introduction to the blog series, too...

As most of you know, I am a home schooling mom of 10 children, ages (almost) 6 to 24. My oldest daughter is married with a one year old son and expecting her second baby in February; she is a writer for Wycliffe Bible Translators. To care for her son, she works from home two days a week, splits shifts with her husband the other three days, and gets a little extra help from me and a family friend. My second daughter works full time in an office and is engaged to be married this fall; she and her fiance have both been active in mission trips to Bolivia. My third daughter starts nursing school at UCF next month. My fourth daughter is a Disney World photographer and a student at Valencia Community College. Both my third and fourth daughters spent three months in Italy earlier this year helping missionaries with outreach through teaching English in the community. They are now living at home again while they are in college. My fifth daughter returns to public high school for her junior year this fall; she had a very successful and happy year there. The younger five children, in first through ninth grades, will continue in our home school; this year we are rejoining the Providence co-op after a year off and I will be teaching 7th-8th grade English (with an strong emphasis on Bible and missions) as I have in the past. I have been home schooling my children for about 20 years, and learning about it for 25.

That's because shortly after Thad and I married in the mid 1980’s, we moved to Maryland, where we joined a conservative yet contemporary church that was filled with large home schooling families. One of my earliest mentors in marriage and motherhood was a sweet lady named Vickie Botkin, whose husband was our home group leader. Vickie taught me how to make log cabin quilts in her sewing room. She continually modeled a heart of simplicity and contentment to me. She is a lot more well known now than then. Victoria (as she is now called) is the wife of Geoff Botkin, and mother of seven young adult children. The books, audios and DVDs that the Botkin family produces are published by Vision Forum. Probably the best known of these are the Elizabeth and Anna Sophia Botkin’s book So Much More and their DVD Return of the Daughters. (I own both, read & reviewed the book years ago, and watched the DVD. I may eventually write more about them, but no promises.) Back then, one of the books that either Vickie or of our friends introduced me to was The Way Home by Mary Pride. Then I read the sequel All the Way Home when it came out in 1989. For about a decade, I subscribed to and wrote articles for Pride’s magazines HELP, Big Happy Family, and Practical Home Schooling. (For a 2009 update from Mary Pride, please read her article Patriarchy, Meet Matriarchy.) About 20 years ago, I also started subscribing to Above Rubies Magazine by Nancy Campbell. I have attended several three or four of her retreats (and helped organize one of them), written many articles for her magazine, and have had many personal conversations with her either while driving her to the airport or when she would call me on the phone with her delightful New Zealand accent. I also read and posted on Teri Maxwell's very conservative Titus 2 Mom's web board for quite some time.

All this to say, I was quickly and deeply drawn into the “full quiver” (large family) and home schooling lifestyle that my new friends and Mary Pride’s and Nancy Campbell’s books and magazines espoused. I don’t regret that at all. I wouldn’t trade any one of my 10 kids for anything! And I love home schooling them! I was still in my twenties when my oldest officially started kindergarten and I’ll be nearly 60 when my youngest graduates from high school. That’s quite an investment in my own family, but I have also written home schooling books and published an e-magazine for the past 13 years. I’m in deep and I’m in for the long haul.

My husband Thad is also very involved in our children's educations through working with me on curriculum planning and record keeping, tutoring them, taking them on field trips, chauffeuring them to classes, working out dual enrollment in college, encouraging me to keep going strong, and of course, paying $$$ for everything! With the older ones who are beyond home schooling, he helps coordinate college and scholarship applications, overseas travel arrangements, car purchase and maintenance, wedding plans, financial planning and other adult life skills. :-) Kudos, Thad! You are quite the veteran dad!

But back to the theme of this month's e-magazine... As the years have rolled by and I have closely observed the full quiver / home schooling movement and where it’s gone, I’ve seen some disturbing out workings in certain segments of it, especially relating to gender and authority. Anything good can be distorted, sometimes very badly. The ones who seem to suffer most are the moms and the daughters. I’m certainly not the only one who has taken notice, hence the Manifesto and three book reviews I will share in this issue. A little later, in the second review, I will share more on why I wrote this blog series.

The other recent posts in this series, which I included in the e-magazine, are:

Web Links about Parenting with Grace Instead of Authoritarian Legalism
Manifesto of Liberty and Responsibility in Christian Families
Submission Is Not Silence by Elisabeth Julin (A Review)
When Sparrows Fall by Meg Moseley (A Review)
Quivering Daughters by Hilary McFarland (A Review)

I would love to hear your thoughts. Leave me a comment on this blog post or any of the others, or feel free to send me an e-mail! Please note that I do not have the time or inclination for extended debates. :-)

Blessings,

Virginia Knowles

www.ComeWearyMoms.blogspot.com

Web Links about Parenting with Grace Instead of Authoritarian Legalism

2011-07-25T14:29:00.000-04:00

"Maternal Kiss" by Mary Cassatt, 1896

This post is part of my new series on Gender & Authority. Most of these links to other web sites are not gender-based, but they all talk about raising children with grace and love instead of authoritarian legalism or emotional abuse. Some of them also address the problems with the patriarchal (aka patriocentric or father-centered family) edge of the home schooling movement, as well as related marriage issues.

So far, my other posts in the Gender & Authority series are:

Manifesto of Liberty and Responsibility in Christian Families
Submission Is Not Silence by Elisabeth Julin (A Review)
When Sparrows Fall by Meg Moseley (A Review)
Quivering Daughters by Hilary McFarland (A Review)
Honesty, Respect, Leadership, and Academic Success (from last year)

My other related posts on this blog:

The rest of these links are for other web sites that I have found helpful. I do not endorse everything you may find on these sites or even in the linked posts. I trust that you will read with your own discernment. I recommend that if you plan to visit several of these sites that you open each one in a separate tab and then read them in turn.

Recovering Grace - I can't tell you how delighted I am to see this new web site! I had wanted to address the legalism and subsequent emotional damage within Bill Gothard's Institute of Basic Life Principles and Advanced Training Institutes organizations. I have seen a lot written about it here and there on the web, but I knew it would take too much research and time for me to round all of it up! Now I can just give you a link where "a Gothard generation shines light on the teachings of IBLP and ATI" and gives "personal testimonies of finding true freedom through God's matchless grace." As a personal note, Thad and I attending an IBYC conference (name changed later to IBLP) before we got married, and maybe once afterward. We still have the big red book and some of the other resources around here, and though we never really attempted to implement them specifically, I think the concepts did influence our thinking.

Finding Healing from Disillusionment by Elizabeth Wyse Cook (guest post on www.quiveringdaughters.com) -- life after working for Bill Gothard

Resolved2Worship At age 19, she married a man (ten years older) who was raised in an authoritarian home that was heavily influenced by a legalistic organization which is not named on the blog but I suspect is Gothard's ATI program. It took many years for them to establish a healthy family life due to his parents' interference. Now with several children of their own, their testimony in the "Our Love Story" series is one of God's grace and sovereignty through it all. Besides that, her photos of her children and nature are absolutely gorgeous and fun.

Possession Mistaken for Love
Our Love Story - Parts 1-6 (start at bottom!)
Our Love Story - Parts 7-End (start at bottom)

Two sites dedicated to addressing problems with the BabyWise and Growing Kids God's Way resources by the Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo. I remember taking issue with this stuff about 15 years ago since it seemed so rigid. In the case of young babies and feeding on schedule, the program came under fire from medical professionals for causing Failure to Thrive in infants. There is a ton of info at these web sites...

Tulip Girl also has a series on the serious problems in Michael and Debi Pearl's To Train Up a Child and No Greater Joy resources.

Tulip Girl's Pearl/TTUOC Posts

(As you may remember, it was a Pearl "discipline" related child death that caused me to write Child Discipline or Child Abuse? last year.)

I Take Joy with Sally Clarkson

The Mystery of Discipline - Part 1
The Mystery of Discipline - Part 2
Adversarial Parenting vs Advocate Parenting
Advocate Parenting – Heartfelt Discipline
Formula or Faith?
Parenting: It all starts with your view of God

ThatMom with Karen Campbell

The Sins of Partiality and Triviality and the Curriculum that Promotes Them
Raising Homeschooled Daughters Series
Patriarchy/Patriocentricity Podcast Series One ~ 2007
Patriarchy/Patriocentricity Podcast Series Two ~ 2010
Grace Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel Review: 5 Stars
Preparing Our Children for Marriage

And an encouraging and balanced word from Mary Pride in 2009 as a follow up to her books The Way Home and All the Way Home:
Patriarchy, Meet Matriarchy

Please let me know which of these links and sites are most useful for you! If any don't work, please tell me that, too, so I can fix or delete them as necessary.

If you have any links that you would like to consider adding to this post, please send them along. And check back for updates!

Blessings,
Virginia Knowles
ww.ComeWearyMoms.blogspot.com

Manifesto of Liberty and Responsibility in Christian Families

2011-07-22T21:06:00.000-04:00

Manifesto of Liberty and Responsibility in Christian Families

by Virginia Knowles

Each person, male or female, young or old, is uniquely created by God and as such, possesses inherent personal dignity. With this God-given dignity comes both liberty of conscience and responsibility in interacting with others. As Christians, we are called to live in grace and understanding with each other, not controlling others with manipulation or legalism.

There is only one mediator between God and man: Jesus Christ, who laid his life down in humble sacrifice. Though we are to encourage and teach one another according to Scripture, none of us serves as the intermediary between God and anyone else. Each of us is responsible directly before God.

As Christian parents, we are called to train our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Our goal should be to continually equip and empower them so that they are not dependent upon us but upon God. This includes modeling for them how to rely on the Holy Spirit for guidance in life decisions. As our children reach their teen and young adult years, our role gradually transitions into coaching and encouraging rather than directing or commanding. Adults are called to respect and honor their parents, but not to obey them.

Men and women are equal in dignity and worth in the sight of God, even though there are different emphases in their roles and responsibilities at various seasons in their lives. Husbands and wives, along with the rest of the body of Christ, are called to mutual submission and respect out of reverence for God. A wife, though specially called to follow her husband’s leadership of the family, still has complete liberty of conscience and responsibility before God for her own thoughts, speech, and behavior. She is not in any way required to go against that, even at her husband’s insistence. A husband’s leadership should be that of a servant, not a tyrant. He is called to live with his wife in an understanding way as a co-heir in Christ, carefully considering her concerns and counsel, rather than lording it over her.

A young woman should be given the opportunities to obtain marketable job skills and college education so that she can support herself during her years of singleness or assist her husband in providing income for the family as may be necessary. A young man, likewise, should become proficient enough in household tasks so that he can run his own home during his years of singleness, and assist his wife in this as may be necessary. Parents launch both their sons and daughters toward adulthood by encouraging a responsive personal relationship with God, teaching practical life skills, releasing them to learn from other mentors and teachers, and equipping them to make their own reasonable choices.

Marriage is to be entered into by two spiritually and emotionally responsible adults, and is to be based on mutual respect, affection, and attraction. During the years before marriage, it is wise for young people to seek the guidance and support of their parents and other trustworthy counselors. However, the final decisions must be made by the people who are planning to get married. If they haven’t established enough healthy independence to do that, then they aren’t sufficiently prepared to be married at all. After a couple marries, there needs to be an appropriate “leaving and cleaving” from their parents so that the new family can be established. While new couples are wise to ask for advice, their parents should not pressure married children to conform to their own expectations.

Each parent is responsible before God for the decisions they make on behalf of their own children. We are called to study the whole counsel of Scripture, devote ourselves to prayer, and listen to the leading of the Holy Spirit for our families. Each family is different, so we must grant one another the liberty to make decisions as seems best, within the reasonable limits of law.

The choice to educate children at home, in a private school, in a public school, or in any combination of these, is one for the parents to make with the guidance of God, based on their evaluation on what would be appropriate for each one. Likewise, in a church, the decision to have their children participate in an available nursery, Sunday School, or youth group belongs to the parents. Children’s ministry can be an honorable and edifying pursuit in the life of a church, not necessarily an abdication of parental responsibility. Family-integrated church can also be a tool for unity and discipleship, but is not a Biblical mandate.

Each child is a precious gift from God. As parents, we do not own our children, but we are stewards on their behalf. We are called to cherish and lovingly train them, not to abuse them emotionally, physically or spiritually. Their perception of God as a Heavenly Father is largely shaped by their relationship with us as their earthly parents. We can not reflect God's character if we are harsh, demanding, tyrannical, manipulative, selfish, self-righteous, inconsistent, dismissive, or overly concerned with personal reputation. We must learn to model parenthood that is gentle, respectable, respectful, patient, humble, sacrificial, firm, equipping, encouraging, and faithful.

"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:14-21

Submission Is Not Silence by Elisabeth Julin (A Review)

2011-07-22T15:18:00.000-04:00

Dear friends,

Submission Is Not Silence by Elisabeth Julin

My ears perked up when my friend Tonya Travelstead told me about a blog written by her friend Lizzie Julin. On our early morning walks, we had been discussing the topic of how many in the home school movement think and speak about gender and authority. She knows that I have done a lot of research into the patriarchy movement that goes way beyond the normal, Biblical “men should lovingly lead their families” into an unhealthy authoritarian position. So, was there really a blog for wives called “Submission is Not Silence”? Sounded interesting!

What is funny is that I didn’t realize I had already met Lizzie the previous year at a reunion for members of a church we both attended long ago. I had even taken a picture of Lizzie with her husband Eric in the background (see left) and had posted it on Facebook – without a tag because I couldn’t remember their names. And that picture, which I stumbled on later, is actually how I eventually realized the connection. I also went to church with her brother Tim for a while in the late 1990's, and met her sister Connie about 27 years ago, too.

And I still have not told you about the book, Submission Is Not Silence: Boldness from a Quiet Spirit, have I? Well, I always like to give the back story. Long story made even longer, I started reading Lizzie’s blog and began corresponding with her. When she finally published the same-named book, she graciously sent me a copy!

Now for Lizzie’s back story! If you’ve ever read a Vision Forum catalog, you may have seen a book called Ten P’s in a Pod by Lizzie’s brother Arnold Pent. (Just for the record: I am not a fan of Vision Forum nor its founder Doug Phillips, and he probably wouldn't like me much either, but that is another story.) Their father, Dr. Pent, was a traveling evangelist, and the family traveled with him giving concerts and Scripture memory recitations all around the country. The eight children, of whom Lizzie was the fourth, were home schooled on the road. Raised in this very conservative family, they were taught that good Christian women were to be so quiet-spirited that they never fully expressed their opinions or desires or especially their disagreements to their husbands. That was considered being unsubmissive. When Lizzie married Eric a week before her 30^th birthday, that is the model of communication that she took with her. Eric, who had not been raised this way, did not understand why she was being so silent. Lizzie, full of repressed feelings and emotions, resented Eric for not instinctively knowing what was bothering her. It nearly destroyed their marriage. Let Lizzie tell a bit of what saved them…

“Fifteen years into our marriage, I had a nagging fear that Eric would leave if I ever countered his strong opinions. As it turned out, I was the one who left him for four days. Taking Isaiah 58 in my head, I drove north to the hometown of friends to quietly pray for my marriage. When I returned, Eric and I looked at each other soberly over coffee in a downtown restaurant. This was when I had my epiphany. Our failures were destroying what we wanted more than anything else, which was a loving, peaceful relationship. After that day of enlightenment, I began to understand my true value to him. I saw his good intentions, commitment to God, character, and determination to stay in our marriage. “Even if you leave, I will stay committed to the marriage and the children,” he told me.

I thought love had died in me, but it soon resonated again. The crises in our marriage accomplished what my silence never could have. I began this journey of many years trying to find wholeness. Our marriage then became more like a game than a war. How simple my part became, and how well it fit, like a perfectly crafted piece of a puzzle among the other pieces of my life; my relationship with God, my husband, and our children.”

What Lizzie learned is that a woman needs to offer her whole self to her husband: all her gifts, her thoughts, her feelings, her opinions. He needs her female perspective. Marriages thrive with mutual respect, not a rigid hierarchy. As she wrote later in the book:

“A free, wise, strong female comes up with a bold plan as she seeks the welfare of her husband, her children, and herself. She is what every man longs for (even when he doesn’t know it). He will love ever more fervently the woman who has a mind of her own, who gives to him from her own initiative and female genre of wisdom, and who loves him back because she is free and chooses to. Love that is coerced is not real, and neither is submission that is coerced. Personal dominance, dictatorships in marriage and other forms of mind control that are camouflaged by religion are all unbiblical. No religion or denomination has permission from Scripture to control a woman. Some try hard, but they have to violate Scripture in the process. The biblical truth is that no human being is justified coming between you and God. In the end of time, when it is your turn to stand before God, you will face Him alone.

Marriage is an institution created by God to be the very foundation of the happiness and personal growth of a man and woman. United to “the head,” she as the “body” builds her house. She is his closest confidante, counselor and friend. Women who fulfill their key roles on the stage of life will move an entire culture closer to God.”

Reading this book, which is 275 pages long, I was at first put off a little by the repetition. It seemed like I was reading the same concepts over and over again. Then I realized that this was actually a (perhaps unintended) strength of the book. Many women reading it have been beaten down emotionally in their marriages and need this constant stream of affirmation about their significance. Just like a flower needs watering day after day, some women need to read these concepts over and over to counter the skewed ideas about “Biblical womanhood” that they may have been told all along.

Submission Is Not Silence isn’t a difficult book to read; it is more like a warm, friendly chat over coffee with a wise older Titus 2 mentor. She understands the realities and challenges because she has lived through them. Lizzie and Eric, the parents of three grown sons, have now been married for over 37 years -- and they are best friends! Wow! In this day and age, that’s quite something!

I highly recommend this book! Read a little each day and be blessed! To give you a taste for what you’ll see, the chapter titles are:

Remember Who You Are! In God’s Image, Yet Unique
A Resemblance of the Holy Spirit: Assuming Your Powerful, Positive Role
The Science of You: Knowledge is Power
God Honors You: The Bible Speaking Directly to You
Totally Unique: Created for Such a Time as This
Equal Opposites: Both in the Image of God
A Calling: Thriving in Your Dominion
Keep Your Heart There: The Center of Every Universe
Counterparts: A “Threefold Cord”’
On Stage: The Female Lead
The Power of Influence: To the Ends of the Earth
The Head: His Logic and Strength on Your Side
The Race: Finishing the Course

Take a peek at the Submission Is Not Silence blog, web site, and Facebook page. (Please note that the web site might have some down time on Saturday, July 23, 2011 for maintenance!) Her first post on the blog is one of my favorites: Ponder It, Then Speak the Truth in Love.

You can order the book, in print or digital version, here: http://submissionisnotsilence.com/book/

This blog post is part of my series on gender and authority. You can read the other posts here:

You may also wish to read:

Help for Hurting Marriages

Honesty, Respect, Leadership, and Academic Success

Blessings,
Virginia Knowles
www.ComeWearyMoms.blogspot.com

A Picnic on the Go, Flower Girl Dresses and Conversations Along the Way

2011-07-21T12:08:00.000-04:00

Dear friends,

It was a Saturday morning and Mommy still wasn't feeling 100% well after a bout with a head cold or flu or whatever kept her in bed for a couple of days. But life goes on, doesn't it?

My teenage son wanted to go down to the church office to help a moving party. To save gas and time and my energy, I wanted this to coincide with a trip to the grocery store with the four younger kids, but we couldn't seem to pull ourselves out of the house until almost noon. By the time we got there, they were almost done at the church office and were planning to hang out for a little while. The Super Walmart was a few miles away, and my teenage daughter had borrowed my cell phone, so I felt pretty uneasy about making a full grocery run just then if my son didn't have a way to get in touch with me and I didn't know how long they would be there. What to do?

After pulling away from the church office, I remembered the Publix grocery store a few blocks away. I don't usually shop there because the prices are quite a bit higher than Walmart and Aldi and the discount bread store -- but they do often have Buy One Get One Free (BOGO) sales! Yes! I decided that we would just buy whatever was on sale and whatever else we really needed to tide us over for a few days. Oh, and it seems the kids had forgotten to each lunch before we left and we were all getting HUNGRY! So, an impromptu lunch was also on the immediate agenda!

My first grab: two packages of fresh baked muffins (apple bran and blueberry) for a BOGO total of $3. Then Ritz crackers (also BOGO) and some sliced American cheese, a rare treat. School supplies were also on sale, and we needed tropical fish food, which we were delighted to find in their pet department. Add to that some other great grocery deals, and out we went!

Where to eat? That was easy! After all, this is Baldwin Park, one of my favorite places to hang out! Just behind the Barnie's, there is a lovely public (not just for the restaurant) patio next to a fountain. No plates? We used the store ads for place mats. A lovely little impromptu picnic, all the more fun for the spontaneous adventure factor.

Somehow, we had forgotten drinks in our grocery foray, so we went back in and bought some lemonade juice packs. On our way out, as I was calling to my son Micah to come in a certain direction, a lady with a delightful accent stopped us. "Do all of your children have

Biblical names?" she asked. Yes, they do! She wanted me to list them. "All 10 of them? I have 10 children!" Yes! OK, there's Mary Hannah, Julia Grace... and so forth, all the way down to our youngest two, Benjamin Peter and Melody Lynn. I know that's not the name of a person in the Bible, but Psalm 57:7 does say, "My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast! I will sing and make melody!" Lynn, my middle name, means waterfall, and even that is in the Bible in Psalm 42:7 - "Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves have gone over me." The lovely lady, whose name is Janet, told me that her grandchildren, who have a Lebanese daddy and live in Kuwait, all have Biblical names, too. She is from Glasgow, Scotland, so we had a nice chat about the time I spent in Ayrshire as a teenager on a summer mission trip. Janet is a Christian and just from the few moments I fellowshipped with her, I know she is a sweet-spirited one, too. I loved talking to her and I'm so glad she was bold enough to strike up a conversation. These are glimmers of grace in my life.

Not too long after I arrived home, my daughter Julia called and asked me to bring Melody to a store to try on two flower girl dresses for the October wedding. So off I went again, this time with just Melody and Naomi!

For some reason, the price tag was missing on the dress Julia chose, so I offered to take the dress and find out how much it was. The store was extremely busy, but there was a young man at customer service who was doing an amazing job directing things, answering questions, and, of all things, SERVING CUSTOMERS! I was impressed, and decided to tell him so. First, I asked him his name. He grinned, then replied, "Why do you want to know? I have some aliases I can use!" Good humor, too! Then I asked him -- his name was Derek -- for a customer response card so I could write him a kudos. Just at that moment, his manager walked up, so I told her instead. I think people need to hear when they are doing a great job. Honest encouragement is manna to the soul, don't you think?

Just a little slice from a day in the life of a busy Mommy.

Just paying attention to the small things, the good things.

Oh, and did I mention that I am finally reading Ann Voskamp's treasure

One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are

that my daughter Mary loaned to me. That's just about Ann's whole point: Notice the little things, and offer thanksgiving to God for them.

You can visit Ann's blog at http://www.aholyexperience.com/

Blessings,
Virginia Knowles
www.ComeWearyMoms.blogspot.com

Come join
Food on Fridays
at http://annkroeker.com/

Come, Weary Moms!

Self Portrait, Lemon Raspberry Cheesecake and Friday Favorites

by Karen Campbell at www.ThatMom.com

I Dreamed a Dream (P52), Breakfast Tray and Friday Favorites

Other recent posts by Sheila:The Incredible Sweetness of Being, Part OneI'm Shining You OnMy Eavesdropping Eyes

Organizing and Laundering Your Linens

Busy, Dizzy and In a Tizzy: Christian Contemplation for Moms and Other Frazzled Folks

Made with Love: Project 52 Week #2 and Friday Favorites

Week 1 "Resolution"

Project 52 Photo Challenge: Week 1 "Resolution"

Friday Favorites: Recalibrating for the New Year

"A Strong Hope" from Grace Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel

Friday Favorites #13: Identity and Difficulty

"A Significant Purpose" from Grace Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel

“A Secure Love” from Grace Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel

"The Truth Behind Grace" from Grace Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel

"Why Well-Meaning Parenting Falls Short" from Grace Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel

New Series Coming: Grace Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel

Friday Favorites #12: Back to School -- Overwhelmed?

My History in the Conservative Quiverfull Home Schooling Movement: An Introduction to the Gender and Authority Series

Web Links about Parenting with Grace Instead of Authoritarian LegalismManifesto of Liberty and Responsibility in Christian FamiliesSubmission Is Not Silence by Elisabeth Julin (A Review)When Sparrows Fall by Meg Moseley (A Review)Quivering Daughters by Hilary McFarland (A Review)

Web Links about Parenting with Grace Instead of Authoritarian Legalism

Manifesto of Liberty and Responsibility in Christian FamiliesSubmission Is Not Silence by Elisabeth Julin (A Review)When Sparrows Fall by Meg Moseley (A Review)Quivering Daughters by Hilary McFarland (A Review)Honesty, Respect, Leadership, and Academic Success (from last year)

The Mystery of Discipline - Part 1The Mystery of Discipline - Part 2Adversarial Parenting vs Advocate ParentingAdvocate Parenting – Heartfelt DisciplineFormula or Faith?Parenting: It all starts with your view of God

Manifesto of Liberty and Responsibility in Christian Families

Submission Is Not Silence by Elisabeth Julin (A Review)

A Picnic on the Go, Flower Girl Dresses and Conversations Along the Way

Other recent posts by Sheila:
The Incredible Sweetness of Being, Part One
I'm Shining You On
My Eavesdropping Eyes

Web Links about Parenting with Grace Instead of Authoritarian Legalism
Manifesto of Liberty and Responsibility in Christian Families
Submission Is Not Silence by Elisabeth Julin (A Review)
When Sparrows Fall by Meg Moseley (A Review)
Quivering Daughters by Hilary McFarland (A Review)

Manifesto of Liberty and Responsibility in Christian Families
Submission Is Not Silence by Elisabeth Julin (A Review)
When Sparrows Fall by Meg Moseley (A Review)
Quivering Daughters by Hilary McFarland (A Review)
Honesty, Respect, Leadership, and Academic Success (from last year)

The Mystery of Discipline - Part 1
The Mystery of Discipline - Part 2
Adversarial Parenting vs Advocate Parenting
Advocate Parenting – Heartfelt Discipline
Formula or Faith?
Parenting: It all starts with your view of God