Tender Compassion for Mothers

Tenderness is a special character quality for mothers, but it comes from God. He leads us with gentleness so that we can lead our children with gentleness.


Isaiah 40:11 says, "He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young."

1 Thessalonians 2:7-8 also talks about the gentleness of motherhood when is says, "As apostles of Christ we could have been a burden to you, but we were gentle among you, like a mother caring for her little children. We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us."

And so our children become dear to us, and we are delighted to share our own lives with them -- but only as we are filled with God's tender compassion for us. As we live in the lavish love of God, we can learn to listen and respond to our children, rather than react at them. We don't need to be tyrannical dictators anymore. We don't need to feel like we must dominate our children, to use our own self-effort to make them holy, as if we expect a bunch of outward rules to change their inward hearts. Josh McDowell once said, "Rules without relationships reap rebellion." We've all seen the tragic results of teens and young adults who have walked away from their family and their faith because life was all about legalistic rules, without any warmth or grace.


GRACE! Our own grace toward them will lovingly point them to Jesus, the source of God's grace. On the other hand, our bitterness will only drive them away from God. We need to let go of the bitterness and anger of daily irritation or unmet expectations of how mature your children should be by now. Hebrews 12:15 says "See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled."   Many people think that our children will only be defiled by the TV, by bad friends, or by the Internet, and yet one of the worst ways they can be defiled is by bitterness in the family!  This will alienate them from you and your values faster than anything.  Anger just doesn't work.  As James 1:19-20 exhorts us: "Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God."  Proverbs 15:1 reminds us that "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."


The issue of child discipline can be rather tricky at times. Yes, we must deal firmly and directly with issues, rather than being in denial. However, we must do this with right motives and with self-control. We don't need to shame or guilt-trip our kids into doing what is right, but teach them a better way. 1 Corinthians 4:14 sets the standard for parenting when Paul says, “I do not write these things to shame you, but to admonish you as my beloved children.”

So instead of coming against our kids to inflict vengeance on them when they disappoint us, we come alongside to restore them with grace and to gently teach them the right way to live. So we can say, "I care so much about you that I want to see you succeed in life. This kind of behavior is going to bring you down, so I want to do whatever I can to help you choose better in the future. Now let's talk about it…"

We can choose to speak sweetly from the heart, with deep and tender affection. Tell your children often how much you love being their mother. Give them hugs, kisses, pats on the back -- even if they seem to resist it. Cheerfulness should start early in the day with a hearty "GOOD MORNING!" because "This is the day that the Lord has made -- let us rejoice and be glad in it!" You don't need to be morose or uptight! Enjoy your day! Be energized with a smile!


We can begin to affirm in our children the ways we see that God has gifted them and how they are growing up. We can notice and praise little acts of kindness or signs of progress. We can celebrate their accomplishments, whether it is learning to read a few words, or making the baseball team, or playing in a piano recital, or finishing a project. Whatever it is, celebrate it!

There is so much power in our words and small gestures. Do you really really REALLY want to get through to your kids? Then don't yell at them! Speak sweetly to them! Proverbs 16:21, 24 reminds us that "The wise in heart are called discerning, and pleasant words promote instruction… Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."

This is just part of the "Tender Compassion" segment of  the Amazing Grace for Home School Moms presentation I did in Gainesville, Florida on March 11.  Be sure to listen to the whole presentation!

You might also like to read something I posted last year on my main blog: The Greatest of These Is Love.

Amazing Grace for Home School Moms

Dear friends,


On March 11, I had the wonderful opportunity to travel to Gainesville, Florida, to speak to the home school group led by my friend Mardy Freeman. Mardy had asked me to share a fresh testimony of what God had been doing in my life, so my topic for the evening was "Amazing Grace for Home School Moms." I spoke for a little over an hour about Joyful Liberty, Tender Compassion, and Wise Guidance, and ended with a Questions time. For your convenience, I have split the audio into these four sections.


I have to say that much of the growth in my life as a home school mom has come because of Mardy's perspective and encouragement over the past few years. I wish she had been there Thursday night (she was out of town), because I am so thankful for her, and for others who have spoken words of wisdom and grace to me. I did, however, get to see my dear friend Bonnie Carmichael, who moved to Gainesville about 11 years ago. Bonnie has been so kind to send me sweet e-mails through the years. You'll hear her insight in the Questions section.


Enjoy!

~*~*~

"Joyful Liberty" is 20 minutes long. How do we get set free from failure, fear, and frustration so we can live with joy, confidence, and enthusiasm?  You can also read my notes here: Joyful Liberty!

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

~*~*~

"Tender Compassion" is almost 20 minutes long. How do we learn to thoroughly enjoy our children and come alongside them for positive change -- instead of being angry, bitter, and frustrated with them? How can we communicate with them effectively?  You can also read my speaking notes here: Tender Compassion for Mothers.

"As apostles of Christ we could have been a burden to you, but we were gentle among you, like a mother caring for her little children. We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us." 1 Thessalonians 2:7-8

~*~*~

"Wise Guidance" is almost 20 minutes long. How do we discern what to do in our home school? How do we set an example for our children in seeking wisdom? This segment also includes a brief description of the Charlotte Mason method of home schooling.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him." James 1:5

"And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God." Philippians 1:9-11

~*~*~

"Comments and Questions" is about 7 minutes long. This includes my answer to the classic question, "What do I do with my two year old?"

I would love to hear your feedback on these audios. You can click here to comment or e-mail me at virginiaknowles@gmail.com

You may also like to see some links I posted about mentoring and mothering, including 3 podcasts of an interview Karen Campbell did with me.  You can find them here: Titus 2 Mentoring Podcast and Links.
Amazing grace to you!

Virginia Knowles

A Mother's Seeds

A Mother’s Seeds
by Virginia Knowles

A mother sows seeds
Sows in hearts softened by sweet nurture
Seeds of myriad sizes, shapes, and sorts:
Truth, mercy, faith, repentance, salvation
Wisdom, praise, discipline, responsibility
Love, joy, peace
Here a seed, there a seed, everywhere a soul seed

No mother is purely saint, saintly pure
So subtle weed seeds slip from her packet too:
Bitterness, pride, impatience, sloth, doubt, scorn, fear
She may wisely snatch them up again right away
Before harm takes root in tender spirits
But some sink in and grow in spite
Later to be plucked out, or not

Yet she seeks to sow good seed in good soil
Not for the pleasure of plowing, digging. straining
Staining hands and knees with clay
Casting bloodied thorns and stubborn stones aside
Not for these trials she toils, bowed low
But for the hope, for the promise of the soul seed’s sole purpose:
Oh, for the fruit!

Working, watering, worrying, weeping, watching, waiting. wondering:
Will these tiny seeds fulfill destiny
First with green stem and fragrant blossom, and then fruit at last?
Or will they lie lifeless underground or shriveled on dry crust of earth?
Oh, did one, even just one, take root deeper and deeper in the divine deep?
Anchored by a sturdy, centering, downward shaft
With fragile spreading threads tangled outward, seeking sustenance?

Oh, for the fruit of those roots unseen!
So: more seeds! Sow more seeds! Sow and sow again!
Lord, make them grow!
For a mother must be faithful but He alone can bring forth fruit!
(Soli Deo Gloria! Gloria in Excelsis Deo!)
His fruit is sweet and succulent, swelling with more seeds
Later to be scattered far beyond her own field, season after season

Nations and generations shall witness her seeds and His fruit
Fruit from seed, and seed from fruit
From her home to His uttermost gardens
From her time to His eternity
For a mother’s heart sows well beyond her own wee plot
She mothers young and old, neighbor and sojourner
Her reach is far and deep, patient and persistent

Any seeking soul becomes her soil
She meets needs with diligent deeds
Bathes each one in warming rays of kindness and prayer
A mother’s heart sows these seeds then
Waters, works, watches, waits, wonders again and again
By faith, hope, and love, she reaps abundant harvests
When goodly, godly fruit is ripe at last!

~*~*~

This poem was first posted on my main blog, http://www.virginiaknowles.blogspot.com/.

Many blessings,
Virginia Knowles

Titus 2 Mentoring Podcast and Links

Dear friends,

Many of you know that I recorded a podcast with Karen Campbell this past weekend.  I got an e-mail this morning that the first of two segments is already on-line.   I wanted to provide some links to go along with this!

The podcast part 1 (hint: turn off the music in her sidebar when you get there!) 
The podcast part 2
The podcast part 3

My links to go with it:

Calling All Mentors
The Joys of Mentoring
Do It Well, But Keep It Humble 
Child Discipline or Child Abuse? 
A Mother's Seeds poem
The Real Life Home School Mom PDF
Pure Pleasure: Why Do Christians Feel So Bad About Feeling Good?
Read, Reflect & Respond audio
Mardy Freeman web site
Cheryl Bastian web site

You may also like listening to my four segment audio of "Amazing Grace for Home School Moms" which I recorded in Gainesville, Florida on March 11.

My other blogs:

www.VirginiaKnowles.blogspot.com daily life stuff!
www.StartWellHomeSchool.blogspot.com for preschool & elementary
www.ContinueWellHomeSchool.blogspot.com for middle school
www.FinishWellHomeSchool.blogspot.com for high school

I'd love to hear your comments about this podcast and the links, so hit the comment button!

Blessings,
Virginia

Children: Life's Greatest Treasure

Dear friends,

Yesterday at our library's used bookstore, I found a vintage book called Life's Greatest Treasures: Writings About Discovering and Cherishing Children which was published by Hallmark in 1968. I bought it for my daughter Mary, who is expecting her first baby, a little boy named Jacob, in June. Meanwhile, I browsed through it for quotes to share with you. In light of my recent posts about child abuse, I picked ones which highlight the dignity and worth of each child, and how we must treat them with tenderness and delight. I hope they will be an inspiration to you as they were to me.

~~~

Among the thousands of tiny things growing up all over the land, some of them under my very wing watched and tended, unwatched and untended, loved, unloved, protected from danger, thrust into temptation among them somewhere is the child who will write a great poem that will live forever and ever, kindling every generation to a loftier ideal. There is the child who will write the novel that is to stir men's hearts to nobler issues and incite them to better deeds. There is the child who will paint the greatest picture or carve the greatest statue of the age; another who will deliver his country in an hour of peril ; another who will give his life for a great principle; and another, born more of the spirit than the flesh, who will live continually on the heights of moral being, and dying, draw men after him. It may be I shall preserve one of these children to the race who knows? It is a peg big enough on which to hang a hope, for every child born into the world is a new incarnate thought of God, an ever-fresh and radiant possibility. ~~Kate Douglas Wiggin

A Prayer for New Parents by James Keller

O Lord, give us the wisdom ---

To deal with our children as You would,

To see in each of them Your Holy Image,

To develop in them a Christ-like love of all men, not only a select few,

To teach them to be go-givers rather than go-getters.

Oh God, in training these dear ones whom

Thou hast entrusted to our charge, help us ---

To encourage rather than discourage them,

To discipline with kindness not softness,

To guide them intelligently, not blindly,

To coach, not scold; to nudge, not nag.

Dear Lord, above all, help us ---

To use common sense in regard to their future,

To let them go gladly when the time comes,

To let them lead their own lives while following them with our love,

To pray always that they will be close to Thee,

not only for the few years of this life

but for the endless years of eternity.

A baby is God’s opinion that the world should go on. Never will a time come when the most marvelous recent invention is as marvelous as a newborn baby. The finest of our precision watches, the most supercolossal of our supercargo planes, don’t compare with a newborn baby in the number and ingenuity of coils and springs, in the flow and change of chemical solutions, in timing devices and interrelated parts that are irreplaceable. ~~ Carl Sandburg

God sends children for another purpose than merely to keep up the race - to enlarge our hearts; and to make us unselfish and full of kindly sympathies and affection; to give our souls higher aims; to call out all our faculties to extended enterprise and exertion and to bring round our firesides bright faces, happy smiles, and loving, tender hearts. My soul blesses the great Father, every day, that he has gladdened the earth with little children. ~~ Mary Howitt

~~

What are your favorite quotes about children? Leave a comment below!

Blessings,

Virginia Knowles

Adding Your Voices About Child Abuse

If you haven't read my article, "Child Discipline or Child Abuse?" yet, you may want to read it first! It's just below this one on the blog. This post here is a compilation of excerpts from just some of the responses I received in my inbox since I originally published it two days ago. I'm putting them here because these ladies bring up some great food for thought, as well as ideas on how to reach out to others.

First though, some link backs to two home school authors who have been kind enough to link to my article and add their voice to the cause:

Rob Shearer, noted home school author and publisher:
http://redhatrob.com/2010/02/tragedy-in-a-homeschooling-family/

Karen Ehman, author of many books and popular Proverbs 31 conference speaker:
http://karenehman.com/home/2010/02/23/box-bashing/

~~~

I wanted to let you know that I appreciate that you addressed this issue of child abuse. I also want to encourage you to continue encouraging others to actually get involved in the lives of those around them. We all know when something just doesn't seem right and kids just are not happy. When we see these that something is wrong, we have to purpose to make friendships so we can have a position of influence. We need to enlist others to befriend and encourage good works and develop parenting skills. It is okay to build a visiting schedule quietly with a few devoted families to discern and give direction. With God's help you can change the direction and perhaps hear one day that those times you came made "all the difference."

~~~

I appreciate you sharing this. It is horribly tragic, and the sad thing is that for those of us wanting to home school and appropriately discipline our children it is so hard. We don't want to shy away from the true God-given authority we have nor the appropriate discipline that is required in parenting. Yet I know I tend to shirk away and want to withdraw when I hear a story like this. I appreciate you sharing the voice of corrective balance to remember where appropriate and inappropriate differ. Knowing the extremes to which you are pushed as a parent in your own capacity, I realize that I (seemingly a sane and loving parent) have capacity to go beyond healthy and into inappropriate expressions of anger or frustration that could become directed at my child. I imagine many of these parents start out with good intentions, but their own woundedness and brokenness, misdirection, etc, can lead to inappropriate behavior that gets into abusive category. I appreciate you sharing this with your readers, and challenging them (us) to consider whether we have crossed certain lines. I don't think it's as far out of the average person's ability to go over the limit when we are pushed by the stresses of our day, being isolated from our community, and being guided by our own anger out of control. I also think it's very hard because this is such a bad witness to Christian parenting and home schooling. It's a slap in the face to all the parents who have done such an outstanding job with their efforts, and have loved their children and loved the Lord and followed His lead. No parent is perfect, but the sad thing is what a bad rap home schooling is getting anymore, and this just is another example that critics will point to. I want to have the balance of discipline which the world does NOT offer appropriately in their schools, nor do I want my children exposed to abusive behavior. I want to find the Godly path of leading them, but this can be scary. I am appreciative that there are so many good resources for parents who want to choose healthy Christian parenting, with healthy godly discipline, and I hope we can all continue to encourage each other and also keep each other accountable in this important area of balance. Thank God for his grace and mercy for us, and the grace of our children.

~~~

Your email was galvanizing for me. It crystallized many thoughts and feelings I have been having about the use and abuse of authority in the Christian home school movement - vs the authority the Holy Spirit wants to have in our lives. Kids are people too! I was particularly devastated by the destruction of a family...one whose goals may have been so similar to ours..filled with books - like Frog and Toad books - that my children have loved.... The law - the religious spirit - is insidious. No wonder Jesus went on about it. There is nothing we can do to earn God's favor - not even being perfect disciplinarians will do it. Thank God.

~~~

The bummer is that they are a home school family and now we run the chance that all home school families will be labeled as such. And may I add that “deeply religious” really has nothing to do with true Christianity for one can be deeply religious about anything. Someone truly deeply into Christianity would NEVER even think of hurting anyone else in the name of Jesus. Bad things happen even to those that love Jesus but we should never justify it with religion. Guess I am ranting too…

~~~

Thank you for this info. This is important and it appears God has allowed it on your 'grace plate' to take the time to research and communicate to others. I pray it goes to the right in boxes and bears much fruit.

~~~

I think that we parents of older children who still have younger ones learn that less is more. I wish I could go back and relax a little in the way I schooled and disciplined my older ones, but it was never anything near this. How these people can close their eyes and pray or sleep I do not know! God will surely judge them, but until then I agree that we need to be as out spoken on the "DON'TS" of discipline, especially in the homeschooling community! I join you in prayer and work to try and keep this from happening again.

~~~

It’s interesting. My 12 y-old daughter came into me this morning as she was woken from a sad dream she had of a little girl she tried to rescue but was unable to, from her abusive parents. We discussed the responsibility God places on parents to be their child’s protector. A small helpless child most often has ONLY their parent/guardian to keep him/her safe. How said it is when the only person appointed to be that child’s protector is the one that does him/her harm. We had ourselves a time of grieving for all the children who are so betrayed by their parents. I reminded her that the Bible warns about God’s fierce wrath toward those who harm little ones. Defenseless ones… even aborted ones. Why does God put up with our depravity? And how much longer with He continue to have mercy on us? But, let us NEVER waiver in speaking out against what God hates…Let us never fail to warn others of God’s wrath, and that its ONLY because of His unmatched mercy that any of us are breathing! Thank you Virginia for doing just this. And I among many stand with you…CONTINUE TO SPEAK TRUTH IN LOVE!

~~~~

I hear what you are saying loudly and clearly. My husband and I are in the midst of and working through many fallouts of the early homeschooling parenting techniques that have been just as abusive if not more so than the physical - the control and manipulation used by parents - the worst being the use of God, Scripture, and religion to beat children into submission. I have been reading several blogs and am blown away by what I read. An incredible blog I read is called http://www.quiveringdaughters.com/. The author is the eldest in a large fundamental family. She is completing a book out by this spring. You will be very intrigued by her writing! We have worked with more couples and young people than we ever imagined, who find themselves in abusive situations. My thinking has been challenged and I feel like a different person as I study the Word and allow God to take me into the lives of these precious people who are being controlled and manipulated by those who were supposed to love them the most! Thanks for the words.

~~~

Thank you for taking the time to inform on this and for taking a solid stand. You are so right, abuse can never be tolerated. Abuse in the name of Christ is so very wrong.

~~~

I couldn't agree with you more! Thanks for sharing your feelings. It seems like people stay silent on the issues of child abuse and homeschooling, and it has bothered me for years.

~~~

I’ve graduated my last homeschooled student/kid two years ago, but my heart remains in the home school community and I mentor several younger women. I can’t tell you how many times I received calls from home school moms who want to know what to do about situations like the ones you’ve described. They suspect something is “just not right.” Either in neglect, NON-homeschooling, father/daughter relationships, or promiscuity, or even in inappropriate dress of fellow students in the home school co-ops. I encourage them to pray for those they are concerned about and go to them directly as the Bible instructs us to do to share their concerns, then to their elders. Over and over again the response is similar. When information is brought to the attention of the parent the response is denial, or preference to keep their heads in the sand and not look at the tough issues, to hostility and accusations of “witch hunts.” It’s painful to not see transparency and humility in the approach to lovingly bring something to the attention of another believer and have this response. I do think this is a serious issue with homeschooling parents as they attempt to guide and instruct, yet self-righteousness begins to cover over-bearing control to produce perfect kids. Thank you for tackling this tough issue, and I want to encourage you to continue. I’ll pray for you and your family and those homes your newsletter reach; but above all that the gospel will become more and more meaningful in our hearts and lives. God bless you sister.

Child Discipline or Child Abuse?

Dear friends,

Note: There is an update at the end, as of August 16, 2011. I have also added an article on domestic violence, especially as it pertains to Christian homes.


Please permit me a rant. You need to read this.

On February 6, seven year old Lydia Schatz, adopted from Liberia, was murdered. Her 11 year old sister Zariah is in critical condition with severe kidney damage. Who did it? Their deeply religious (I can’t bring myself to say Christian) home schooling parents, who were attempting to “discipline” them. The “offense” of the murdered child was that she mispronounced a word during her home school lesson. She was beaten for seven hours with a plumbing supply line, with only short "prayer" breaks. Another brother has been found with significant bruising. Read the news story.  The murder has been attributed to the parents following the teaching of Michael and Debi Pearl in their books To Train Up a Child and No Greater Joy, which have sold hundreds of thousands of copies among home school families.  

I am heartsick. I've been tracking news stories in the home school community for years, and these deaths are not the only ones. (This hits a little close to home for me. A few years back, I was shocked to hear that another home schooling mom named Kimberly Forder, who had written an article about international adoption for the Hope Chest -- ouch! -- was convicted of murder in the abuse death of her son Christopher.) Many horrible abuses that don’t happen to result in death are never even reported. Much of this is the result of very misguided or overwhelmed parents trying to implement “Biblical” discipline in their homes. THIS IS NOT BIBLICAL DISCIPLINE AND IT MUST STOP! As compassionate Christians and as a home schooling community, we must have ZERO tolerance for abusive parenting. If we seriously want to preserve the abundant liberties we enjoy as home schooling families, we're going to have to make sure that our movement is not characterized by such aberrant behavior. We need to start speaking out and educating one another about healthy family dynamics and child discipline.


I am not railing against reasonable corporal discipline, nor should we overreact to an occasional minor accidental injury related to this, but we do need to take a stand when we see any of these warning signs:

• Parental action which results in bruising, bleeding, welts, burns, fractures, dislocations, or other injuries (I don't consider very temporary minor reddening of the skin to be a concern)
• Parents who neglect to seek appropriate medical care for an injury out of fear of being accused of abuse
• Parents who withhold proper food, sleep, hygiene, or emotional nurture from the child as a form of punishment
• Parents who force their children to have unnatural contact with urine, feces, or other unhygienic situations
• Parents who lock their children up in a room for extended periods of time (I'm not talking about reasonable "time out")
• Parents who are “out of control” in their anger, and who are more interested in punishment and retribution than in sincerely and compassionately training their child
• Parents who routinely resort to extended yelling, shaming, ridiculing, harsh accusation, and other forms of verbal abuse -- which can be (but not necessarily) a signal of physical abuse
• Parents who publicly advocate using discipline methods which seem abusive or excessively harsh, even if they are taught as being “biblical” or “godly”
• Children who are cowering in fear from their parents, or who are unusually withdrawn, depressed, or aggressive

This may be you! If so, stop now and get help! Your child’s safety and emotional well-being is far more important than your reputation. Do we want to train our children that it’s OK for Mom and Dad to be violent bullies in the name of Jesus? How can we ever teach them self-control if we aren’t setting the example? Things can get better! Things MUST get better! Perhaps it is your husband who is doing this. You may think that it would be unsubmissive to intervene in a “discipline” situation because your husband is supposed to be the spiritual leader of the home, or because if you were being a "better mom" your kids wouldn't behave badly enough for him to get that upset. Sorry ladies, but these excuses just don't fly. In Acts 5, Sapphira was punished just as harshly as her husband Ananias because she went along with his deceit and tried to cover for him. So you don't get off the hook for your responsibilities just because you are "submitting" to your husband. If your husband is out of control to the point of abusing your children, you have the MORAL and LEGAL obligation to do whatever you can to put an end to this behavior. If that means you need to physically restrain your husband and/or take your children to a safe place until he calms down, then do it. If this is a pattern and your children are in continued danger, you NEED to get outside help. Call a trusted friend, your pastor (unless he condones or ignores abusive discipline), a professional counselor, and/or your community’s family crisis center -- and keep going until you get the REAL help you need.

In addition, husbands should never treat their wives like dirty doormats in the name of “Biblical submission.” You do not need to passively accept physical or verbal abuse. I've heard from some of you who are being subjected to this kind of degradation, even some who have been in danger. This is not right! You are not becoming a “liberal feminist” if you begin to draw healthy boundaries of respectful treatment around yourself. But, remember, everything must be done in love - even when we have to draw safe boundaries. Someone else's poor behavior is never an excuse for ours. This blog post might help: Help for Hurting Marriages.

You may know someone in your neighborhood, your extended family, your church, or your home school support group who is abusing their children or spouse. Don’t turn a blind eye. Do your best to discretely find out what is going on in the family by talking to the children and to the parents. This is compassionate intervention, not gossip. Offer support. Encourage them to get help. If they refuse to do this, and the situation is serious and continuing, you will need to call in outside intervention. (Be VERY careful about making accusations public, though, because it may not be abuse at all, and an unnecessary visit from the police or social worker can be quite traumatic for a child. Be sure of your facts before you call.)

While we are on the topic of inappropriate parenting, I’d like to say a few things about over-authoritarian control in the Christian home schooling movement. I know most of us are taking the time and money and effort at this because we want our kids to turn out to be fine, upstanding, godly young adults. We don’t want them to make the same mistakes we did. We want to keep them out of trouble, out of harm’s way. We don’t want them to “fall into sin.” Fair enough! But I think we need to take a SERIOUS look at how we view this and how we try to implement this in our homes. (This is something I am reevaluating, too, so I'm preaching to myself.) I think some among us have become control freaks with our kids. We need to realize that we aren’t God, we don’t own our children, and we don’t need to dictate every last little detail of their lives or isolate them from all outside influences, especially as they move into the teen years. We don’t need to use ridicule or guilt-trips to get them to behave according to our expectations. Yes, we need to teach them as best we can, be wise "gatekeepers" over the influences in our homes, and certainly set a wholesome example -- but most of all we need to pray for them and trust God, who loves them so much more than we ever could. We need to listen to our kids and not try to shut them down whenever they express disagreements. They should have the freedom to share whatever is on their hearts (hopefully in a respectful manner!) without fear that we will react in shock, disapproval or rejection. We need to seek to inspire our children into such a warm relationship with their Heavenly Father that they will increasingly learn for themselves how to hear and follow his voice. Home schooling should not be the means to unduly limit our children’s options in life, but to launch them into the Grand Adventure (risks and all!) which our loving Lord has planned for them!


I hope to write more about these topics sometime soon, but for now, these links will provide some food for thought…

• “Christian Families on the Edge: Authoritarianism and Isolationism Among Us” by Rachel D. Ramer for the Christian Research Institute
• “Solving the Crisis in Home Schooling” by Reb Bradley (who used to be authoritarian and controlling but is now teaching about the dangers of that approach)
• “Sweetness Comes Through Godly Wisdom, Part Two”In this audio presentation, Karen Campbell covers a lot of ground about over-authoritarian parenting, including why naturalist John Muir rejected his parents' Christian faith even after he had memorized all of the New Testament and 2/3 of the Old Testament

Here are three blog posts which also talk about this case.

• Child Abuse in the Name of Jesus by Karen Campbell, who first told me about this story
• Heartbroken. Angry. Again. (this blog post by TulipGirl includes lots of links for further research)
• When Parenting Kills – What Can We Do?

And, if you didn’t click on it earlier in my letter… News story on the Schatz family

I'ver received a lot of responses in my e-mail inbox since I published this on February 17.  I have compiled excerpts from several of them, including ones with additional ways to reach out to hurting families: Adding Your Voices About Child Abuse

Update: On March 11, I had the opportunity to speak for a home school group in Gainesville, Florida. Some of my comments touched on positive child training. You can listen to the audio message: Amazing Grace for Home School Moms.

For grace and mercy - and justice!

Virginia Knowles

P.S. In the past few weeks this blog has received well over 2000 visitors linked from other sites. (It usually gets one or two per day!) I didn't realize until at least a week after I posted it that I didn't have the comment function turned on - I was beginning to wonder why folks weren't leaving any! So now it's on and you are welcome to share your thoughts! Please just remember to be civil and discrete.

P.P.S. Since most of you aren't already familiar with me, if you want to subscribe to my monthly e-magazine, where I write about home education, spiritual growth, and family life, you can send any message to mailto:hopechest-subscribe@associate.com. I write more frequently on my main blog, http://www.virginiaknowles.blogspot.com/, as well as on my preschool/elementary blog, http://www.startwellhomeschool.blogspot.com/ and my middle school blog, http://www.continuewellhomeschool.blogspot.com/.


Update on August 16, 2011:  Anderson Cooper is doing a CNN news report on this case tonight, and the clip is on-line.  You can watch it here: Girl Spanked to Death in the Name of God.  Michael and Debi Pearl are interviewed in this video.  They seem so calm and self-composed here, but this is what I wrote in an e-mail to my subscribers after my original blog post: "When I originally wrote my article, I mentioned Michael and Debi Pearl because their books on child training (To Train Up a Child and No Greater Joy) have been implicated in the abuse deaths of Lydia Schatz and Sean Paddock.   I received a few vocal protests about that, so I removed that paragraph when I posted it on my blog, not wanting it to be a distraction from my main point that parents must not let child discipline turn into child abuse.  However, I was absolutely shocked today to read Michael Pearl's own blog post in which he has the audacity to very mockingly laugh at his critics without mentioning the murder of Lydia Schatz, expressing any grief that her death has been linked to his methods, or even cautioning his readers not to overdo his own methods.  Instead, he brags about how children trained by his methods are going to take over the world.  This is unconscionable and sickening!"