“A Secure Love” from Grace Based
Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel
Hello
again! Welcome back (or for the first
time) to my
series of reflections on the book Grace
Based Parenting: Set Your Family Free by Dr. Tim Kimmel.
“A Secure Love” is the third chapter of the book. You can read my other posts here:
- Introduction
- Chapter 1: "Why Well-Meaning Parenting Falls Short"
- Chapter 2: "The Truth Behind Grace"
- Chapter 4: "A Significant Purpose"
“Dear
friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God… This is how God
showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we
might live through him. This is love:
not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning
sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends,
since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.” (1 John 4:7-11)
“If God is for us, who can be against us? He
who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all – how will he not
also, along with him, graciously give us all things?... In all these things are
more than conquerors through him who loved us.
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor
demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor
depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the
love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:31b-32, 37-39)
As
parents, we all want to love our children.
But saying we love them, and even doing things to communicate that to
them is not quite enough. They need to
know that we will love them no matter what, even when it is inconvenient, when
they are ungrateful, or when it costs us greatly. They should not have to compete against our
hobbies or careers for our attention, or feel like they have to
earn our love through performance.
“Love is the
commitment of my will
to your needs and
best interests,
regardless of
the cost.”
We
make decisions based on our covenants and priorities, so we need to carefully
consider and meet the actual needs of our children. This doesn’t mean that we give them
everything they want, side with them when they are wrong, or shield them from
reasonable consequences. This would be
catering to selfishness, not need.
Dr.
Kimmel uses 3 “A” words to remind us that children feel secure and loved then
they are accepted as they
are, affiliated with a loving
and honoring family, and when they receive regular and generous helpings of affection.
So
we don’t want to subject them to a barrage of nitpicking criticism, or put them
down because they are curious, excited, helpless, or absent-minded. We don’t want to tease them for how they look
or what is happening to their growing bodies.
Instead, we must learn to cherish and steward their unique
personalities, gifts, and dreams. And we
must remember that “God has hard-wired our skin to our souls… With rare
exceptions, children are especially responsive to meaningful tender touch.”
So
far, I’ve mainly recounted what Dr. Kimmel has said, but I would like to extend
this to a few related reflections of my own.
I
have always loved the stories in Matthew
19:13-14 and Mark
9:33-37 of how Jesus took the children in his arms and blessed them and how
he encouraged adults to receive the children “like this.” It’s more our attitude than the exact action
that counts. For example, some of my
children prefer not to be hugged or kissed quite as much but they still need
for me to convey my attitude of affection. Instead, I might give them a pat or rub on the
back, or an air kiss and a big smile from across the room, or simply a spoken, “I
love you and I’m so proud of you.” I
don’t stop the affection when they leave home and can’t see us in person. There is always the phone, e-mail, and Skype
to keep us connected.
It’s
has often been said that kids need a firm foundation of secure love from their
parents so that they won’t go looking for counterfeit substitutes, such as
twisted people who will take advantage of a young person’s emotional need for
their own selfish gain, or well-meaning but misguided peers who will take them
down moral paths they shouldn’t go. I am
not saying that we should be the only ones who love our children, the only ones
they should trust. Part of healthy parenthood is launching them into nurturing
relationships with others outside our family.
That’s an essential for their future marriages – leaving us and cleaving
to their spouse. And certainly everyone
needs good friends and a good faith-family (church and Christian organizations) to supplement what we have already given them
in our homes. But it starts at
home. That’s the foundation. If they lack a secure love from us, they are
starting off at a serious disadvantage. So
are they going to learn what a healthy relationship looks like in the workshop
of our family life, or find it out by trial and error?
I
think back on my own relationships, not only as a child or teen but into
adulthood. Yes, I was burned a few
times by people who claimed to love me.
However, I have also been quite blessed by those who really did. The family
and friends I have bonded with most closely are the ones who have expressed
unconditional acceptance to me by their words or actions. I can tell them anything and know they will
still stick with me no matter what. I
can trust them. But they don’t just put
up with me and my "life messes" out of a sense of duty. I’m not their pity project, but their
authentic friend. They also affirm the
good things they see in my life and cheer me on toward greatness. They make me feel special and valued for who
God made me to be. They are lifelong
friends, lifelong gifts to me.
My grandmother, parents, brother, sister, and I |
I
am fortunate as an adult to have that kind of relationship with my own parents, siblings, and extended family. Though they live
several hundreds of miles away from me, I try to see them as often as I
can. I particularly treasure a memory of
my father from about a year ago. I was
agitated, fearful, and feeling very devalued.
As soon as he saw this, he knelt down by my chair to comfort and
encourage me. His quiet yet powerful
words infused me with honor, worth, courage, purpose, and hope. And he followed up on that with other
conversations and with sacrificial actions.
His tenderness and commitment toward me then nearly brings me to tears
even now. My father is not a religious
man and there are many areas where we don’t see eye to eye, but I know he loves
me no matter what our differences. The love I receive from him and from my sweet mother is a secure love. That’s the legacy I want to give my own
children.
Some
other articles you might want to read:
Driveway
Delight by Carol Barnier at www.Sizzlebopblog.wordpress.com,
“Where Highly Distractible People are Celebrated,
Encouraged & Empowered”
Tender Compassion for Mothers by Virginia Knowles
I'm glad you're doing a series on this book. I can't believe it's been out since 2004 and I just heard of it this year!
ReplyDeleteOr was it 2006? Sorry, I don't have it in front of me to check the date!
ReplyDelete