Between
the Burqa and Bikini: A Call to Moderate Modesty
Burqas.
Bikinis. I see them both in one sweeping glance at Sea World here in Orlando. What a juxtaposition! I should clarify and say
that most of the “burqa” wearers (if that is even the
correct term) were not completely covered. Instead of wearing the
toe length flowing black robes and veils that showed only slivers of
skin with a slit or a translucent panel for the eyes, most of them
were wearing loose fitting, thigh length, long sleeve tunics over
trousers, and white or colored head scarves. And the bikini wearers?
A mix of “If you've got it flaunt it!” and “I've still got
some sense of decency.”
I
keep my eyes on the culture & theology debates on-line, and one
that has come up repeatedly in the Christian (especially home school)
crowd is the issue of modesty. You might think this would be pretty
straightforward and everyone would agree. But what modesty is
can by quite nuanced already, and when it is tied in with related
opinions on myriad other topics (as it should, being that our lives
are integrated rather than compartmentalized), then you get a whole
mess load of controversy, some of it rather sharp.
Those on
the conservative end of the spectrum believe that a Christian
woman should always wear calf length (or longer) skirts, loose
fitting shirts with at least elbow length sleeves, the more layers
the better, with muted solid colors so as not to draw any attention
to themselves, and extra points for home sewn. If they lean even
more toward Mennonite-like standards, they will also wear some sort
of head covering to show that they are properly submissive to their
husbands.
On
the liberal end of the spectrum, pretty much anything goes. Like
bikinis.
As
a mother of seven daughters and three sons, most of whom are either
teens or adults (two already married, one with two children), I have
some opinions of my own. I tend to fall somewhere in the moderate
zone, having loosened up quite a bit from 10 years ago when I pretty
much only wore calf length dresses and the “home school mommy
uniform” of denim jumpers. Some of them looked pretty hideous, especially the ones I made. Now I usually wear capris or loose
walking shorts in warm weather, loose pants or blue jeans in the winter, and V-neck or scoop neck shirts. Maybe
it's because I'm out of the perpetually pregnant stage, and despite
my excess weight, I am getting more comfortable with the shape of my
own body. Still, my swimsuit has a nearly knee length skirt, and I wear a black camisole under it to raise the
neck-line. No bikinis for me. That's an act of mercy on my part, as
much as it is an attempt at moderate modesty.
Body
shape aside, if I had to choose to wear either a bikini or a
tunic and a veil, I know I'd go with the latter for modesty's sake,
even if it seems a bit extreme for the American culture. But that
would be my choice in a false dichotomy. In the real world, I
don't have to wear either a burqa or a bikini, and I don't. While I
am still pretty careful to be modest in what I wear, I am not hung up
on picky rules or fears, nor do I strictly enforce particular
standards on my daughters.
What
bothers me is not how some conservative folks dress ultra modestly.
I respect and admire that, if that is what is really in their hearts
to do as an expression of who they are. The problem is when it becomes another self-righteous
standard to check off on a list of “If You Want to Be Truly Godly”
behaviors. Often, the women in these groups are exhorted to dress a
certain way to conform to the expectations of others, and they in
turn exercise the same kind of pressure on their own peers. It can
become a form of strident one-upmanship and cliquishness. Worse, it
can cause alienation and hostility toward (and from) non-compliant
newcomers or teens who are learning to evaluate for themselves what
they have always been taught. These kinds of rules love company, so
it's not just the modesty. It's all the other baggage that can come
with it, much of it based on fear: of messing up, causing others to
stumble, or appearing to be worldly. Or it may be based on pride: of
being the elite ones who get it right, being holier and homier than
thou. Please don't hear me saying that all people who dress modestly
are self-righteous or legalistic! That is far from the truth! It's
just tragic when a church or Christian movement becomes centered more
on the outward rules and less about worshiping Jesus with our hearts.
On
the other hand, while I am not about to call a girl a whore if I see
more cleavage than I personally think is appropriate, I think too
many who identify themselves as Christ-followers throw off common
decency in the way they dress. They might think: “If a guy has a
problem with my body hanging out all over the place, that's his
fault, not mine.” While we should live under liberty instead of
law, we shouldn't trade in our liberty for licentiousness. I do not
think a man should ever sexually harass a woman no matter what
she is wearing, but let's get real. If you dress provocatively, you
are advertising that you are cheap goods. It might be false
advertising if you really aren't loose with sexual activity, but
you are appearing that way. Like it or not, you shouldn't be
surprised if men – even Christian ones - don't treat you with
respect.
I
think modesty is mostly just learning what is appropriate for each
situation and dressing accordingly. I could write a whole lot more, and I haven't said much about the closely related issue of femininity, but I've pretty much said my piece for now. Instead, I'd like to share several
web links about the topic of modesty. Please note that these links
are “all over the place” on what they endorse, and I do not agree
with everything in them! I'm just trying to present a fair balance,
starting with pro-more-modesty links. Also keep in mind that several
of these links specifically address the issue of whether lust, sexual
harrassment, or rape can be blamed on immodesty.
Pro-Modesty
Blogs (Nice Ones!)
- Teaching
Modesty to Our Daughters at Raising Homemakers -- This is a single post but you will find many more on this site. They also have a weekly link up party and many of the linked posts are about modesty. I regularly link there.
- The
Modest Mom blog by Caroline – she sponsors regular link-ups to
other blog posts about modesty as well
Other Links
Modesty:
A Heart Issue by Rachel Miller at the Aquila Report “To seek to adorn ourselves
with a “gentle and quiet spirit” is something to aspire to for
all of our lives. When we focus on developing an inner beauty that
does not fade with time, we will find that our priorities and goals
in life will change. Dressing “sexy” or “provocatively” to
get attention will not hold the same allure. Our sons, too, will
learn to value women not simply for their outward appearance, if we
teach them look for the qualities that God finds precious.”
Mixed-Messages
of Modesty
by Rachel Ramer: “While immodest apparel focuses attention on
women as sexual objects, obsessive teaching on dress codes creates
the same focus. Preachers and other spiritual leaders reinforce the
destructive message that women and girls are so distracting sexually
that they must be covered up beyond cultural sensibilities.”
Excellent
series on modesty by Becky at Created to Be His:
A
Legalist Goes Shopping at Recovering Grace, a web site for those
negatively affected by the teachings of Bill Gothard, ATI, and IBLP
Finally, a little poem/song I wrote many years ago. You can see my comments about it here: A Woman of Beauty.
A Woman of Beauty
by Virginia Knowles
A beautiful woman is quiet in spirit
Gentle in all that she does.
Adorning the inward part
She trusts the Lord with all her heart.
She is a woman of beauty!
She is a woman of beauty!
She does not need ornaments of fancy gold
And it's not in how she fixes her hair.
As long as she's clothed in strength and dignity,
It doesn't matter what else she wears.
A beautiful woman is quiet in spirit
Gentle in all that she does.
Adorning the inward part
She trusts the Lord with all her heart.
She is a woman of beauty!
She is a woman of beauty!
What do you think? Leave a comment! If you have strong feelings on this subject either way, please remember that I would like to keep this as a cordial dialogue!
Virginia Knowles
www.ComeWearyMoms.blogspot.com
